1. And then all of a sudden he wants to be cute. But, you know, we’ll see. We’ll see.

2. When I come home and dinner is not ready, I go through the roof.

3. That’d be a nice thing to come home to, wouldn’t it? A bed of roses

4. Beauty and elegance, whether in a woman, a building, or work of art, is not just superficial or something pretty to see.

5. You know what, listen, she’s going to get hit for it, because it’s not appropriate.

6. I almost feel guilty about it, but I made a lot of money in Atlantic City and I got out

7. I’m here to help. If my help’s not appreciated, lots of luck, gentlemen.

8. I hope they are going to fully understand the gravity of what I said, and what I said is what I mean. Those words are very, very easy to understand.

9. When someone attacks me, I always attack back…except one hundred times more. This has nothing to do with a tirade but rather, a way of life!

10. No, no, no, no, no! I have heard the rumors myself!

11. They have to be knocked out and you have not done a good job knocking them out.

12. Lots of good things could happen and we could also have a bad solution.

13. I tip when someone deserves a tip. When somebody really puts forth an effort, they deserve a little something extra.

14. These ladies aren’t starving to death. They make minimum wage.

15. Are you making less than minimum wage, don’t worry, the government will protect you. Afraid to give your real name? You should be.

16. What’s done is done. We can all sit around and have a big cry about it or we can deal with the situation at hand.

17. The whole world is watching! We’ll never get this chance again!

18. It would be my pleasure, your first weekend at the club, to join me and my friends at my table.


QT 3, 7, 8, 10, 13, 14, 16, 17, 18

DT 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 9, 11, 12, 15



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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