1487587864_vehicles-06You’re the instructor? I’ve never taken a spin class before so I just have a quick question for you, before we get started. Do you think it’s okay to wear makeup in spin class? Because I’ve heard that when you sweat this much your pores just open up and suck that sticky foundation and residual dirt right into your skin. And that is the primary cause of adult onset acne. Your face can essentially become a cesspool of germs. Have you encountered that in your professional fitness life: a cesspool of germs coagulating on your face?

And now that I think about it, I had a friend mention to me that it’s bad to wear your hair in a ponytail for cycling classes. Apparently the fast-paced nature of this kind of exercise can cause your hair tie to literally pull your hair out and increase hair loss over time. Have you noticed that? Are you finding that chunks of your hair are falling out resulting in unseemly bald patches? I’m allergic to most wigs so hair loss is a real concern for me, as you clearly understand.

Oh, and since we’re talking about fake hair, I read in a magazine that the actress in that new movie comes here and I’m wondering where she is? Because she seems like the kind of person who is skinny but has no real athletic prowess and I’m the kind of person who can only be motivated by watching beautiful people fail. I’m sure you understand, you’ve probably reveled in seeing that award-winning actress perform choreographed moves on a stationary bike like a previously comatose patient learning how to walk again.

I also saw in a video my coworker’s aunt posted on her Facebook wall that such high intensity cardio can thin your menstrual blood causing you to produce an unmanageable flow. Do you find that you bleed heavily and consistently when you spin on your period? Is it like a tidal wave of blood crashing past your super tampon and destroying the fabric of your bike shorts? I just bought these shorts and I’m saving up for the padded ones because, you know, I overheard my Uber driver tell her cousin that padding is very necessary when engaging in this kind of aggressive aerobic activity. It can be hard on your pubic bone and can even cause you to lose sensation in your entire vaginal region. Have you had experience with this? Particularly, in sex, have you, per chance, taught so many spin classes that when you go home to your partner and attempt to engage in sexual intercourse, do you find that you are unable to climax? And do you think that has to do with the loss of physical sensation in and around your vagina or could it be a result of the trauma of such an intense menstrual cycle and maybe also a lack of self-confidence stemming from the adult onset acne, the hair loss, and a deep-seated resentment of beautiful, famous women? 

Okay, this is crazy, because just this morning I was going through my daughter’s text messages and her friend sent her this podcast and I heard that these kinds of vigorous full-body workouts can cause you to have an emotional breakthrough and seeing you up there right now, crying in front of all of these people has simply reignited my dedication to this endeavor! So if someone could just clip my feet into the pedals, I’m ready to start now.  



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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