Ransomware Note to Obama
By
July 19, 2017

hacker-1446193_640
 
Your documents, photos, and other important files have been encrypted. To decrypt your files, follow these instructions:
 
1. Get Michelle to run in 2020.
 
2.Go windsurfing more. Yeah, it was jarring so soon after the election, but it was still cool to see you so happy.
 
3. Use Bo more strategically in social media. Maybe you could mix in a few memes… Nothing too low brow, but also make sure it’s accessible… I don’t know, play around with it; find his voice. Also, you HAVE to post that one from Halloween last year – how did you even get him in those pantyhose!?!?
 
4. Pause button for a sec. Those comments on Malia’s personal essay were next level. The way you grounded your concerns in the narrative space she created, but also kept an eye on the larger goals of authenticity and salesmanship… Whoa. 
 

5.Sorry, while we have it paused, can we also talk about Biden and the chain mail? We’ll keep your secret about those twelve fake email accounts you hold as an audience for him, but you might think about dropping buckscounty_copdad@aol.com. That one is a little too on the nose, even for Biden. Plus, that account might be getting away from you… How long before dennis.828@net.net wants to meet up and talk about healthcare policy face to face? 

6.You have to publish your Harry Potter fan fiction. Angela will be so touched when she reads about that German headmistress mentoring the Sasha and Malia characters during their semester abroad. And what a genius use of the Imperius curse to roast those two dick cheeses who must not be named. 
 
7. Were you and Merkel friends? Like did you ever talk about personal stuff? We’re gonna need the tea on that.
 
8. Convince Lin Manuel Miranda to collaborate on an Obama musical. At the very least we will need an “Audacity of Hope” and “Dreams from My Father” mixtape. 
 
9. Put your “finer points of jazz” folder on an external and encrypt that sucker. That’s just for you and Michelle. 
 
10. Join our weekly google hangout, “Justin and ____”, where we ship that glorious hunk of Canadian bacon with various political figures.  
 
11. Pose with Trudeau for a calendar shoot: “Hearts and Minds: Justin and Barack”
 
12. Pose for some private photos with Justin that we will encrypt and keep just for us.
 
13. Tell us everything you know about Justin.
 
14.Convince Justin to run in 2028. 
 
Thanks!
Grey Hat Underground for a Better America (with a little help from Evgeni and the gang)
 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


CARTOONS

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!