Re: I Have Just Taken a Bunch of Online Quizzes and Realized My Life Is a Lie
By
March 4, 2014

Dear friends and loved ones,

I hate to do this in a mass email, but I don’t have much time. I have languages to learn, skills to master, inanimate objects to be. You see, late last night I discovered that I need to make some serious changes in my life.

First, I will be packing up and moving away from South Carolina forever, now that the “What State Should You Live In?” quiz proved that Wisconsin is my true home. I’m not sure why. I have never been to “The Show-Me State.” (I’ve got the right one, right?) But retaking it might make me biased and skew the results, and I want to be as scientific about this as possible.

I also took “What Country Should You Live In?” and I got Belgium, so I don’t know if this means I need to get dual citizenship and divide my time between the two or what. Hopefully someone will post another quiz clarifying this issue.

I have begun seeking employment as a lawyer, since that’s what the “What Job Should You Have?” quiz has dictated. I never went to law school or took the bar exam, and my grasp of our legal system (never mind Belgium’s) is tenuous at best. But I do like wearing power suits, so I’d say my result was accurate.

Sadly, I will have to seek a divorce, since “What’s Your Gender?” reveals that I am 37% male, and my husband is unwilling to accommodate me in this. He argued that the quiz is “completely arbitrary and confuses sex with gender,” but I don’t think they’d leave it on the Internet if that were true. I’ll miss him. I’m not sure why my male score was so high, other than I’m not very clean. On the plus side, once I’m a lawyer, I can take care of all the divorce paperwork pretty easily.

According to “What 90s Grrl Power Icon Are You?” I will also be slaying vampires in my spare time. I hope I can find a patient and supportive Watcher to guide me through this process, and that my slight maleness won’t make me any less chosen.

I had hoped to be classified as a dolphin by the “What Marine Mammal Are You?” quiz, but I accept my identity as a dugong.

I am still trying to figure out how to use the knowledge that, out of all possible breakfast cereals, I am Grape Nuts. Is it possible to change this? Is one born Grape Nuts, or does one rather become Grape Nuts?

I obviously have a lot of things to take care of, so I’ll cut this short for now.

Love,
Brunhilda (Yes, I also took “What’s Your Perfect Name?”)

 

 

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