Because then I’d have to really manage my money so much better and be investing and all that stuff. 

Because I promise once I get even close to a billion, I’ll start to really give away a lot so I never really become a billionaire anyway.  

Because it would mean I have to give away an awful lot and that gets really complicated when you have all that money. You don’t just run around giving it this money and stuff like it’s candy or something.  

Because when you say ‘a billion dollars’ it almost sounds like some made-up word like ‘a bajillion’ … and that’s not even a number.  

Because I haven’t become a millionaire yet and I’m, like, way past 30 … also way past 40 too. 

Because I’d probably pay, like, millions in taxes.   

Because all these people from high school would be hitting me up constantly on Facebook and Insta and stuff.   

Because then I’d have to dress way nicer.  Billionaires are practically not even allowed to wear crappy clothes. Can ya wear jeans and a t-shirt and be a billionaire? Nah.   

Because, hey, a lotta billionaires are just billionaires on paper. They don’t, like, really have a billion dollars lying around.  

Because it becomes way more complicated buying a car because then you can pretty much buy any car you want.

It gets even MORE complicated when you buy a boat. Buying a boat is really complicated because boat dealers are near the water, not just anywhere. And you have to make sure it won’t sink and has all the cool stuff and you need a captain and a cook and people at the marina to wash the barnacles off and stuff. Plus all these friends are gonna wanna go on my boat and go fishing and water skiing and jet skiing. Plus I’ll probably wanna land my helicopter on it and, yeah, buying a helicopter is even more complicated than the boat buying thing.  

Seriously, a billion dollars? And there’s people who have like dozens of these? What the hell!!?

Because billionaires are assholes. They’re all assholes. I’m not an asshole.  


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 



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