Recipe: David’s a Stupid Fucking Asshole Hockey Puck Burgers
By
June 24, 2015

Dear neighbors,

Thanks for coming to my BBQ last Saturday. I wanted to write you all so I could share David’s burger recipe. You know, the burger recipe he used after he begged to do the cooking at my BBQ, even though I didn’t want him to, but his wife and mine asked me to let him, because “what’s the big deal?” You know, those burgers.

Here’s the recipe in all its glory:

David’s a Stupid Fucking Asshole Hockey Puck Burgers

burger-783551

Ingredients:

The shittiest frozen patties you can find, even though I said I wouldn’t mind buying grass-fed ground beef from a local butcher (my friend, Randy), since frozen patties suck.

One giant ass of a man

Instructions:

1. Put the burgers on the grill before you turn it on, only to realize its a charcoal grill (something I told you), and remove the burgers from the grill so you can light it (again, something I told you to do in the beginning to avoid this).

2. Don’t add any fucking seasoning, despite the multiple seasonings I had next to the grill.

3. Cook them for forty-five minutes even though they are small as fuck.

4. Be completely negligent of the burgers, yet defensive whenever anyone tries to step in.

5. While grilling, guzzle down the six-pack of craft beers you brought only for yourself, since that specific brand of beer is easier on your stomach, even though we all know its bullshit so why do you even try? I mean, the six-pack only had four beers in it. You weren’t trying to share. Where are those other two, David?

6. Forget to bring the buns.

7. Drop my wife’s sole veggie burger in the coals (she made it herself using a blender and a ton of other shit).

8. Play music out of your wakeboard of a phone, competing with my well-crafted playlist.

9. Repeatedly say, “Just needs a little ketchup,” as if that somehow makes up for your huge fuck up. (Optional)

10. Enjoy! (Fuck you, David.)

 

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