Red Carpet Recap: A Tribute to Joan Rivers
By and
September 8, 2014

Paige: I just have so many questions about this dress. For example, what made the designer decide to go with one million flower appliqués as opposed to a billion? And furthermore, which fairy’s asshole did this dress emerge from?

Robin: This isn’t fashion, this is a Taco Bell advertisement. Here we have the taco bell dog wearing what your asshole looks like after you eat Taco Bell.

Paige: Well, I know who’s not accidentally getting knocked up at prom. Did your mother make those rosettes? Darling.

Robin: Know your color palette! If your fur is an orange brown, purple is not your color. I just hope she learns from this disaster and picks up a color wheel before the next awards season.

Paige: Now, I love Miley Cyrus as much as anyone, but she looks like she borrowed this outfit from her 12 year old brother’s girlfriend.

Robin: You know I’m gonna disagree on this one, the hat is ridiculous, but bold patterns are in right now and she’s really working it. This isn’t a red carpet outfit, but if you’re just out around town looking for a few butts to smell I think this is a great outfit.

Paige: Justin Timberlake is making quite the statement with this ruby red suit. If I click him together with another pop star in a ruby red suit three times does he disappear and go back to Kansas?

Robin: You know men’s fashion is such a hit or miss, and I feel like this one is a hit. My only complaint is the three quarter sleeves. He knew he was going to be on the red carpet, those short sleeves are a disgrace.

Paige: Security! A hideous pink bird got in and is terrorizing everyone! Oh wait that’s Lady Gaga. Security!

Robin: On the plus side this dress doubles as a duster. Just a few hours in it and your house is spotless.

Paige: Now this look is just pure class. Elegance defined. Cate Blanchett nails it every time.

Robin: Exactly, she’s sporting earth tones with just the right amount of glitter. She can hump my leg anytime.

Paige: Jesus Christ. I don’t mean to take the Lord’s name in vain here, but I think it’s appropriate considering there’s a burning bush coming down the red carpet.

Robin: Moses already parted the red sea, why are we doing it again on the red carpet? Take it from me, you don’t want to show off your ass like that unless you’re a bitch in heat – Wait! This just in – apparently she’s a bitch in heat.

 

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