Ingredients: What you will need

– ½ cup of honey

I find the freshest honey to hail from the bee farm of my beloved friend and golden globe recipient Sandy (Sandra as she’s known to plebeians) Bullock. Her farm fosters only the most organic of bees, which adds a little something extra to the salmon. If you simply don’t have access to Sandana (like Santana, inside joke haha)’s bee farm, I’d love to suggest finding the hive of a common city bee or taking a trip down to your local Vons.

– 1 cup of brown sugar

People often refer to my eyes as two twinkling balls of pure, uncut brown sugar, so you can imagine my confusion when I first read the ingredient list. “One cup of my eyes? Whoa,” I thought. Luckily for me my academy award-winning confidant and Something’s Gotta Give costar Diane Keaton was there to set me straight, or bisexual, or whatever I was feeling that day. If you don’t have access to Academy Award-winning actress Diane Keaton or her friendship, may I suggest having any old run of the mill, non-celebrity halfwit beside you to guide you through this somewhat confusing recipe journey. Or perhaps a desperate trip to Vons, as if there’s any other kind.

– ½ cup apple cider vinegar

“Wait a sec Keanu Charles Reeves,” some of you might be saying and, side note, there’s no reason to bring my middle name into this but continue, “would a balsamic vinegar suffice or must it be from the nectar of an apple cider vinegar?” Okay, first of all, never say nectar in my presence, and secondly, sure, you can definitely use a balsamic vinegar… if you’re having dinner with your sworn enemy and want this gorgeous Alaskan fish to taste like g-d damn s%#t!!! I swear to Neo you guys make me so angry sometimes, but luckily I have channeled that anger into my upcoming role as an angry cooking instructor with a heart of gold in a little project called MY LIFE.

– 1 dash liquid smoke flavoring

Incidentally, liquid smoke flavoring is what I call my semen, so you can’t even begin to imagine the level of my confusion when I looked at the fourth ingredient this classic salmon dish calls for. “K- Money,” I thought to myself, “though that banana bread did come out pretty tasty back in the day, this is 2014 and I don’t think an Alaskan BBQ salmon would benefit from your hint of nutmeg tasting semen.” That’s when former spouse of Angelina Jolie and The Gift costar Billy Bob Thornton strolled in, snapping me out of my nutmeg-induced semen haze, and assured me with the confidence of only a man with Oscar-nominated acting chops could possess, that the recipe literally called for liquid smoke flavoring. You live and you learn, or in my case, you live and you burn… rubber, when I’m tearing it up on my motorcycle. Thank you.

– 1 (4 pound) whole salmon fillet

FilLET me introduce the final ingredient. If you didn’t laugh at that you have since been murdered by a member of my entourage. To the rest of you, please for the love of my People’s Choice Award obtain your salmon from one of the great lakes of Alaska itself. I find the best way to avoid long airport lines and security (in this post 9-11 world) is to simply charter the jet of close friend, Constantine costar and tabloid bad boy Shia LaBeouf. If you have burned the bridge between you and Beouf Beouf Money, my condolences, and although nothing pains me more than to suggest an afternoon trip to Vons, I will, knowing full well that my pain is insignificant compared to the pain you will feel when your despicable salmon makes its way off the grill tasting like something I might find flattened to the bottom of my motorcycle tire aka s%#t.


1. Preheat your grill for high heat as in the type of heat my performance in a little TV movie called Letting Go generated.

2. Fetch a small bowl and mix together your ghetto ass city bee honey, your brown sugar (once again, not my eyes, repeat NOT my eyes), your non-semen liquid smoke and of course apple cider vinegar, you nectar-loving s#^t heads.

3. Brush one side of the salmon with this sauce you have concocted in the same manner I might brush a wisp of my hair out of my brown sugar eyes. Place the brushed side on the grill, tsssssssssssss (the sound it will make when the fish touches the hot grill–I should honestly win an Academy Award for that performance).

4. Wait seven minutes, then brush more sauce on the other side of your disgusting non-Alaskan salmon, place that side down on the grill (tsssssssss) and cook for eight minutes.

There you have it folks, Alaskan BBQ salmon, or in your guys’ case, North Hollywood Vons BBQ s*^t salmon.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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