Ingredients: What you will need

-3 pounds of boiling potatoes, peeled

Boiling is a word you should all be familiar with as it was used many times in conjunction with the word “hot” to describe my riveting performance in the 1994 edge of your seat thriller Speed. Peeled is what your eyes should be for an untitled film I just wrapped that should be hitting theaters around summer twenty sixteen. And speaking of three pounds, I just added that exact amount of muscle to my right tricep. Life’s good.

“But Keevey Reevey, does it matter what color potatoes I get?” Okay first of all, Keevey Reevey is a nickname that James Spader and only James Spader, my costar in the widely unappreciated film The Watcher, is allowed to call me, so whoever told you it was okay to call me that was a Jimmy Spader impersonator and the authorities should get involved.

Now in regards to what color your potatoes should be, sure, go ahead and get purple potatoes… if you want your Thanksgiving dinner to be a g-damn circus. What the hell is wrong with you. Not a question, more of a statement. I find the best potatoes to be the ones that have been unearthed from soil via the hands of none other than my John Wick (2014) costar, John Leguizamo. If this is really not an option for you, might I suggest hailing an uber pool down to Trader Joe’s and see what deformed ‘toes you can get your filthy hands on.

-Kosher salt

Although kosher salt is a classic ingredient, I find it simpler, not to mention more rich in flavor, to start with plain white grains than infuse them with the salt from your tears after watching my moving performance in a little diddy called Sweet November. All cried out? I guess I’ll see you in the loser section aka the salt aisle at Trader mother f*cking Joe’s, oh wait, no I won’t.

-1½ cups of milk

I find the best milk to be the excess drippings from the many milk mustaches I have had over the years. I have the same wish for both my abilities as an actor as well as my bones: to grow. Needless to say I drink a lot of milk and have managed to save the droplets that have fallen from my ‘stache into a large mason jar that I will delve into when I am looking to give a dish that little something extra.

“But Kimono Dragon, what if I don’t have a mustache? Is it acceptable to use 2%?” Okay that’s it, Kimono Dragon is a nickname I gave to myself after a particularly scintilating rehearsal session for a play I did in ‘84 aptly titled Holding Someone, Holding me. Speaking of holding, someone better hold me back from tackling you to the ground for even bringing the idea of 2% into my vicinity. Trust I didn’t win a teen choice award in 2006 by giving 2%.

If you’re not going to employ the droppings of milk from a mustache into your mashed potatoes, then I guess you’ll be downloading the lyft app and scouring the dairy section of Trader Joe’s for any percent of milk, all of which is wholly unacceptable.

-6 tablespoons unsalted butter

Six as in the number of times I have prayed for your Thanksgiving dinner guests as your meal will no doubt turn out to be a g-damn disaster.

“But Keanu ‘greatest actor and chef of all time’ Reeves, do I have to use unsalted butter or can I just use margarine?” Quick impression of you guys asking me an absurd question, which was so convincing I’m actually going to give you a minute to adjust back to reality.

“No,” is a word I’ve personally never heard, but that you should be hearing on the loudest possible volume right now. There is no substitute for unsalted butter. I find the best unsalted butter to be churned by the aging hands of my enemy, none other than Mr. Kevin Bacon. Cannot stand that man but my god can he churn butter. If you can’t acquire unsalted butter churned by the hands of Kevin “I’m a little bitch” Bacon, might I suggested hopping back in that original uber, and showing your sorry face in the hopefully deserted dairy aisle of Trader Joe’s once again.


Now that you have assembled your disgusting ingredients, let’s make this dish so we can part ways not to be confused with Waze, the app you’ll be downloading to drive yourself off a cliff after all of your friends are revolted by the meal you have provided them.

Start by cutting your rancid Trader Joe’s potatoes into 1 inch cubes and placing them into a large pot.

Cover said potatoes with cold water and add enough salt so that you’re water is salty to the taste. I imagine this won’t be difficult as you will most likely be sobbing from embarrassment at this point.

Right about now my rage is boiling which is exactly how your potatoes and water should be; bring to a simmer and let them cook for approximately 10 minutes, 12 if you need those extra two minutes to pull yourself together emotionally.

Heat your probably 2% milk and your non Kevin “I’m a little bitch” Bacon butter in a sauce pan.

Once the potatoes are tender (word that was used many times to describe my performance in the third Matrix but we honestly don’t have time to get into right now), drain them in a colander. Mash them together whilst whisking in your milk and butter concoction and serve to your future ex best friends. Ciao.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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