Ingredients: What You Will Need

– One turkey

I would like to begin by saying one turkey is the minimum amount of turkeys you will need for this recipe but by no means is it the maximum; personally I could envision myself having up to 6 wild as all hell turkeys so that I could potentially feed the entire cast and crew of a little film of mine from ’95 called A Walk In The Clouds.

I do find the freshest turkeys to be those from the forest of devoted Lakers fan as well as former Something’s Gotta Give co-star Jack Nicholson. If you can’t reserve one of Jack’s top notch turkeys, I suppose there is bound to be an Albertson’s you could pillage and maybe while you’re there you could picture the disappointment cloaked on the faces of your friends and loves ones whilst they reluctantly eat your bargain bird.

– Two cups of broth or water

“But Kiki, isn’t broth just dirty water? Seems easier to use water….right?” Okay thought I made this clear in a speech I gave before the 79th Academy Awards but definitely do not call me Kiki, and definitely locate a dictionary, look up the word broth and then maybe flip forward to the “I” section and look up imbecile while you’re at it. After you’ve done that, follow your first instinct and use “water.” In fact why don’t you just go ahead and dip a measuring cup into your toilet and scoop up some of that water because that would be sooooooo easy. Is this CNN? Because here’s a newflash: If you’re looking for the “easy” way to cook a turkey, abort reading my instructions and just haul your simple ass to the pre-cooked turkey section of Albertson’s because that’s about all you deserve.

But seriously I find it’s best to start cooking your broth about a year in advance so as to properly get all of the flavors really marinating and merging together, much like my chemistry with Charlize Theron in the box office hit Sweet November.

– Melted unsalted butter

I want to talk to you guys about what it means to truly melt something. Two years ago I melted some unsalted butter or at least, I thought I had. When my turkey came out of the oven, I knew immediately something was off. The melting process. I had held back. I remember seeing the butter and thinking it could have used some more time to melt into a more liquidated form but in my careless rush I thought, “K Bambino–it’s good enough.” Good enough is not what earned me MTV’s Most Desirable Male award in ’92. Good enough is not what creates smiles on the faces of Diane Keaton or Samuel Jackson or whoever the f*^k your friends are. So please, melt until you can’t melt anymore. Melt like my pecs did in their breakout role Point Break.


Enough with the regrets. We gotta cook this bird. Go ahead and take your Albertson’s turkey out of the fridge or out of the trash, wherever you were storing it and let it sit to take the chill off of the meat, which will make it easier (I’m sure you boneheads will love that) to cook.

Heat the oven to 450 degrees aka the temperature of my performance in ‘93’s Little Buddha, and slap some salt and pepper on that undoubtedly malnourished bird. Take your two cups of toilet water and pour them into the roasting pan, plop your bird in the pan, place it in the oven and turn the temperature down to 350 degrees aka my performance in Freaked in which I admittedly did not give it my all.

The next step is to simply “baste that bitch.” Every 45 minutes, remove your sickly bird from the oven and use a baster to soak up the juices (you guys are disgusting) and generously soak the bird.

Once your filthy bird is cooked remove it from the oven and let it rest much like the emotional rest I took in between the first and second Matrix. Once your generic non-Jack Nicholson bred bird is well rested go ahead and carve it much like I have carved the way for Canadian actors who were born in Lebanon.

At this point you most likely have a turkey that would make even a the most humble pilgrim sick to their stomach. Your guests will most likely be thankful for cell phones as they can easily fake an emergency situation to distance themselves from you and your Albertson’s raised peace of withering flesh you call a turkey.


The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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