Ingredients: What you will need

– 6 tablespoons of chopped onions.

I find the freshest onions to be those from the garden of my close personal friend and critically acclaimed actor Laurence Fishburne. Highly recommend it. If you do not have access to Laurence’s garden, might I suggest Ralph’s?

– 4 tablespoons of margarine.

I know what you’re thinking: “Whoa (in my voice) K Dawg, margarine? All I have is butter, is that okay? Same thing right?” And to that I say, sure, go ahead and use butter…if you want to be the laughing stock of the whole f*%&ing universe!!! Dios Neo. Just buy some f***ing margarine.

– 6 cups peeled and cubed butternut squash.

I myself began to harvest a modest squash patch back in 1991; so all my “squa” (industry term) is ripe and roaring to go. If you don’t have your own personal squash patch, I suppose that is understandable (read: what are you doing with your life?) and might I suggest taking a second trip to my close personal friend and critically acclaimed actor Laurence Fishburne’s garden? Or your local Ralph’s.

– 3 cups of water.

I actually prefer to use the ocean saltwater straight from the set of Point Break. I took a couple gallons back in ’91 and might I say it has preserved quite nicely? If you don’t have ocean saltwater straight from the set of Point Break, I suppose sink water will suffice.

– 4 cubes of chicken bouillon.

Enough said.

– 1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram.

(You guys): “Marjoram? Is this like margarine? Help.” Oh you guys, while I could see how you would think marjoram is the same thing as margarine given the similarities in spelling, I’m going to have to step in and say, no. No you f*##ng morons! It’s not like margarine, it’s a g*d$##med perennial herb, and honestly, get over the fact that you have to spend two dollars on f%**ng margarine!!!!

– 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper.

To ensure precise groundness, I like to place my pepper in a plastic bag (not a euphemism, unless you want it to be?) and run over it a couple thousand times with my Harley. If you do not have this kind of time or a Harley, can I suggest just trusting that your purchased pepper is sufficiently ground, thus living a life full of denial and regrets?

– 1/8 teaspoon of ground cayenne pepper.

Honestly, when I first read there were two types of pepper in this recipe, it blew my mind. But then I thought, Keanu, K Dawg, think of this second pepper as the Matrix 2. I then proceeded to sleep for three days straight.

– 2 packages of cream cheese.

I like to make my cream cheese from scratch. I milk a couple of cows belonging to my former costar and Academy Award-winning actress Charlize Theron, and the rest is history. I suppose if you do not have access to Charlize Theron’s cows, you could once again take your worthless ass back to Ralph’s.


Sauté your no doubt ghetto-ass Ralph’s onions in a godforsaken large saucepan, until they are tender like my soul after pouring it into these instructions. Add your non-homegrown squash, your non-Point Break set saltwater, bouillon (enough said), marjoram (don’t even get me started) and both your black pepper and cayenne pepper you damn hooligans. Bring those damn ingredients to a boil, much like my temper, and cook for 20 minutes.

Puree your subpar squash mixture with your non-Charlize Theron cow made cream cheese in a blender until it is as smooth as my chest. Return it to the saucepan, heat it and eat the soup, I honestly don’t give a f**k.


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