Four dark emojis close to each other under “Objects” (Coffin, Cigarette, Bomb and Knife) all hang out together listening to death metal. Coffin learns that Cigarette, Knife and Bomb have a plot to destroy all the other emojis with cigarette burns, stabbings and improvised explosive devices. But Coffin has befriended Woman Artist Emoji at a concert and coerces them to form a support group which winds up including some emojis nobody knew were troubled like Division and Minus signs, Blowfish, Fountain and Circus Tent.
Poop emoji argues the case with Apple executives that since the user can type the words “poop” and “turd” and trigger the Poop emoji, then the words “shit,” “crap” and “bowel movement” should also trigger the Poop emoji. Apple agrees to consider but once Poop leaves the conference room, the look on everyone’s face tells us that’s never gonna happen.
All the Flag emojis form a union of nations and confront the Face emojis in an hourlong debate about complex global politics and national identity. The Flags draft statements and pass resolutions declaring universal human rights and worldwide peace. But the Face emojis sit around smiling and frowning and screaming and crying, reflecting no comprehension of the immensity before them. Poop emoji shows up and the Flags walk out in unison.
Eggplant goes out drinking with a lot of other long, thin emojis like Microphone, Hot Dog, Crayon, Pencil and Pen. They get into an argument over which emoji truly represents the penis, wind up in a fist fight and land in jail. Meanwhile, at a beautiful bar on a marina somewhere Tulip, Rose, Nail Polish, Lipstick, Ladybug, Honeybee and other female emojis get plastered on mojitos making fun of the patriarchy and its inevitable downfall.
The various ball emojis (Soccer, Football, Basketball, Volleyball, Tennis, Baseball) plan to have a ball: The Ball Emoji Ball. But not that many emojis will attend. Cricket, Field Hockey, Ice Hockey have to come with their respective sticks and bats which ruins the exclusivity. The Earth and Moon are not attending because they are not really balls. The DJ doesn’t show because she never got her down payment in Venmo.
Hoping to counter and outnumber the various Cat Face emojis the Dog Face emoji tries to convince other emojis to don a Dog Face mask. But even with the disguises, everyone can tell, it’s just the Old Man with a Dog Face mask or the Smiling Face with Open Mouth with a Dog Face mask. Further, unlike cats, due to wide variations in species canis familiaris the mask’s visual cues do not connote a dog sensibility and the effort fails. Dog Face emoji sells all the masks on eBay at a loss.
In a dystopian future there’s only one face emoji which is Viggo Mortensen from “The Road.” It wanders around with the Hole emoji trying to find shelter and food.
The Baby Face Emoji is a young FBI agent investigating a bizarre serial killer and seeks the help of a jailed cannibalistic serial killer played by the Smiling Devil Emoji. The two form a twisted bond which upsets the entire emoji community, even though the Baby Face Emoji is able to catch the serial killer, which turns out to be the Wastebasket and the voice of John Malkovich. In the end, the Smiling Devil Emoji escapes and goes on a killing spree, then to the Bahamas to find the artist who drew him.
From a mountaintop cabin far away, complex emotions like shame and jealousy hold whiteboard sessions to determine how they might be expressed as an emoji. Later a talent agent appears offering to pitch the tech companies emojis to represent their complex feelings. The talent agent is sort of a Broadway Danny Rose
character and out of his league. The agent winds up booking them at a TED talk where they describe their misadventure to be represented as emojis.
All 2,666 emojis go to Hollywood to pitch an idea for a movie. After several awkward meetings with Roadside Attractions and A24, and a very short, tense meeting with Christopher Nolan that should never happened, they eventually land a 3-picture deal with Sony.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!