Hasbro recently announced that they would allow fans to vote on Monopoly “house rules” for possible inclusion in a new edition of the game. “House rules” are the unofficial but customary enhancements to the official rules that have become tradition for ardent fans of the game. The following “house rules” weren’t even considered by Hasbro for a second.

The Greasy Slumlord Rule

If a player is one property short of a monopoly, and they have the token representing the missing property from the annual McDonald’s Monopoly promotion, they can choose to become a “greasy slumlord,” building houses and hotels while charging other players rent. If another player lands on the property to which the greasy slumlord holds a fake title, they can buy the property and take over the whole monopoly along with any houses or hotels that have been built on the properties, OR they can become a “squatter,” sending the greasy slumlord to jail and collecting rent on the property until the slumlord is freed. Upon the slumlord’s release from jail, all properties in the monopoly are returned to the bank and the greasy slumlord must give $100 in “hush money” to the squatter each time he/she passes GO.

The Los Angeles Rule

Due to the severe shortage of free parking in Los Angeles, a player who lands on Free Parking collects $500 and must remain silent until their next turn. If they speak while on Free Parking, they have effectively told a bunch of strangers about the awesome (but secret) free parking spot–thereby ruining it for anybody else who knew about it–and must pay each player $300 in restitution for messing up a good thing.

The Sore Loser/Tenderfoot Rule

If a player becomes frustrated and flips the board out of anger, any unsold houses and hotels as well as unused player tokens are scattered on the floor (along with any loose LEGO blocks that may be in the room at the time). The Sore Loser is then required to remove their shoes and socks and look straight ahead while the other players verbally direct them to the locations of the game pieces they scattered. The game officially ends when the Sore Loser has picked up all game pieces and neatly put them back in the box, or until the scattered pieces cause his/her feet to bleed so badly that they’re leaving bloody footprints around the playing area. At this point the Sore Loser is renamed the Tenderfoot, and the other players may punch the Tenderfoot in the arm once (as hard as they can) while telling the Tenderfoot, “Serves you right, jackass.”

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!