I hope to one day (this year I guess) be so hot that my ex-boyfriends like my Facebook statuses just hoping that I will so much as glance at the letters that comprise their names.

I want to be hot enough that no blood alcohol level would make you drunk enough to run me over because I would literally always stop traffic.

I want your grandchildren to tell YOU stories of how hot I was/am. You’ll never have met me, but they’ll have heard of me from a PBS special your bohemian daughter-in-law made them watch.

Gap will ask to use my likeness in their Dress Hot campaign and I’ll say, “Sure because whatever.” They will compensate me handsomely.

Taylor Swift will write a song about how jealous she used to be with regards to how hot I am but how that’s all behind us now because we’re literally best friends for life. Taylor, if you’re reading this, I love you, girl!

I will throw away all the mirrors in my house because “mirrors are for ugly people” (and I will own and sell shirts that say this).

2015! LET’S DO THIS!!!!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!


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