if_building-02_1989019April 21, 2017  **
I came to Brewster Solicitors to certify my signature on a legal document. As I entered their office, a woman who was apparently in charge of the establishment – a paralegal or something – informed me that the solicitor was away at a bank transferring “a very large sum of money” to Chisinau. I had to wait for him for about an hour if he were to make it back to the office alive at all, she said. That last remark made me uncomfortable. Seeing my embarrassment, the woman explained to me that this was a joke and that she had a habit of making such awful jokes all the time. While waiting, I was also subjected to a very loud and generally insanely intense argument between this woman and one of the employees regarding the specifics of issuing a bill in Excel for a client named Winnie Daze who had been charged with aggravated assault and battery. Later came the solicitor, despondent, unfriendly, and irritable, and certified my signature in the most peculiar way, that is just quickly scrawling something beneath it in a completely indecipherable handwriting. I paid and left the place rather disappointed.

April 22, 2017  *
I must amend my previous review as it turned out that the certification was incomplete and invalid. Turned out, the solicitor didn’t know how to properly certify a signature. Came back to them again. The solicitor saw me, fled, and hid in the storage room pretending to talk on his phone. The woman in charge – the paralegal – refused to admit the mistake and said that the mistake was all mine as I had failed to provide the solicitor (who was apparently her relative) proper and complete instructions. Four people in the office (apart from me) and no one knows how to certify a signature? Really? We all argued for about half an hour to the point of yelling horrible abuse at each other (something, which I had never ever done before and which traumatized me considerably). In the end, they agreed to refund me but insisted on destroying the document. After I was inconsiderate enough to say (I admit it) that now I understood the nature of her morbid jokes, the woman snatched the papers out of my hand, tore it into pieces, threw the pieces back in my face, took the money out of her purse, and threw it to my feet. Who does that? What kind of people? Don’t they understand how such attitudes harm their own reputation in the first place? Don’t they know anything about the online reviewing system? Do they have any idea about the law of the universe? About evil breeding evil on a grander scale? Aren’t such people afraid of karma or something?

April 25, 2017  *****
I am terribly, terribly sorry about my previous review. Two hours ago, as I was passing their office on my way home from the bus stop, I saw the place burned down to the ground. I asked around, and it turned out that the solicitor and all the employees had been murdered, and that the entire building had been set on fire. I was absolutely terrified to learn that it had all happened just two days after I had posted my last review, and that apparently a parrot in one of the upper flats had also died in the fire, as well as all the potted plants. I never meant anything that bad to happen to Brewster Solicitors. I just wanted to be fair. They were all quite nice people overall, notwithstanding their obvious shortcomings, which only made them more human. I also forgot to mention that they had served me a cup of superb herbal tea with outstanding biscuits while I was waiting for the solicitor the first time I had visited their office. They had also had an excellent and meticulously arranged assortment of magazines and books on display in their waiting area. There I had learned, while waiting for the solicitor, that there were generous discounts on the affordable Alzheimer Suites at a care home nearby, and that I was about to attract sensual, spontaneous and trustworthy people as Mars, the assertive planet of passion and desire, was about to tour my House of True Love. (Although I must point out that their book on hygge was a bit dated).

June 17, 2017  ***
One more time I must amend my rating. Yesterday, on my way home, I ran into one of the former employees from Brewster Solicitors. Turned out, not all of them were murdered. The man told me that the entire company had apparently been just a front laundering money for the Moldavian mob. He said that he didn’t know that working as an unpaid intern for them. In the end, he said, the paralegal woman (who was the wife of the solicitor) had just taken all the money from all their accounts and fled with this man to the Bahamas leaving her husband to his terrible fate. The man said that he had left that woman as soon as he realized that she had stolen money from the mafia. Three stars this time because they, although clearly failing as solicitors, turned out to be quite remarkable people overall.

September 30, 2017  ****
The more I think about those people the more I sympathize with them. This is why, once again, I have to adjust my rating for this company. I think that they don’t deserve three stars, especially posthumously. I think that they were all right, providing for their family the only way they could considering, in particular, the current economic climate. I think that if I had children I could have done the same. They might have children. I hope their children all grow up good people. God help that woman. (Still, one star removed for familial discord).


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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