Roof People, Part 1
By
January 15, 2014

Krajicek Befton III watched his son and daughter play with wooden swords from the high roof. The high roof was where he retained his authority, where he could survey all of his kingdom.

The Kingdom of Demby.

Beftons had ruled Demby for generations. Krajicek III’s father ruled, as well as his father before him, Krajicek Befton, first of his name.

Krajicek III stood stoically, recalling the day his grandfather passed.

He was only six years of age, yet he remembered the day well.

His grandfather lay in his wooden bed. He had become mad in his old age, constantly flinging the sheets to the floor, exposing himself. His old skin sagged from his bones and his downstairs hair was so thick and coarse his old wiener looked like a miniature elephant trunk laying upon a bed of steel wool.

The wooden bed was made up of a three-foot headboard and a fifteen-inch footboard. The unfinished pine bed frame gave it a rustic look, which his grandfather preferred.

“The unfinished pine makes me feel cozy!” His grandfather would constantly yell, paranoid that his taste in furnishings were being questioned.

Along with the frame were two convenient storage drawers, also of pine, which could be easily concealed below the bed.

The storage drawers were emptied on the day of his grandfather’s death.

One was filled with severed rodent feet.

The second contained a mass of crude drawings of boobies and nipples. The outside of the drawer had been labeled “HORNY BOX. DONT TOUCH!”

No one had actually seen a pine tree in ages, but years ago, when his grandfather was still young and horny, two Dembish scouts had discovered an ancient building filled with furnishings of all sorts.

“IKEA” it was called. It was discovered by Enyo Garbage and Cardon Verburr, two of his grandfather’s finest scouts.

Many say Enyo was the finest swordsman Demby had ever seen. The only thing he wielded better than a sword was his erect wiener. Not just women, but men spoke highly of his stone shaft.

“I would have loved to have a roll around with the great Enyo Garbage,” Krajicek III thought.

Krajicek III was a man of many sexualities.

Inside the “IKEA,” Enyo not only discovered a bed, but a mattress.

The bed’s mattress was its best feature.

Heavenly it was.

It was his grandfather’s prized possession.

He nicknamed it the “Dream-Cog.”

The mattress was a perfect blend of pre-compressed EnerFlex™ foams and the “state of the art” SpinalGrid, which greets your body with soul-soothing comfort that delivers long-lasting support to your entire body with special emphasis on your lumbar region.

His grandfather died on that mattress, and requested to be cremated with it as to prevent any others from enjoying its supreme comforts.

Krajicek III remained on the high roof, the memories of his grandfather flowing through his mind as he gazed out over his Kingdom.

Demby ranged from Pheebiz, a land at peace with Demby, to the edge of Urwasp, a land of darkness. All of it fell under the rule of Krajicek III.

No one had seen flat earth in generations. The horizon was composed of roofs, roofs for miles in all directions. Krajicek had only ever heard of flat earth in the stories told by elders. The only person who had ever claimed to have walked on flat land was his grandfather. Some said he was without his wits, but Krajicek liked to believe the stories as a child. Krajicek even believed them as a man, but would never admit it openly.

“I felt grass and dirt between my toes; I felt alive. For once I felt alive… Don’t let anyone look in my horny box,” his grandfather whispered in his ear on the day of his death just before his bowels released.

“Lord Befton!”

Krajicek III turned to see Bald Jordan, the Keeper of Pigeons, running towards him, huffing and puffing as he approached.

“Lord, everything is ready for our journey,” Bald Jordan said urgently.

“Good, we leave at first light.”

“Yes m’lord, I will inform the scouts.” Bald Jordan turned and left.

Krajicek III watched Bald Jordan as he walked away, admiring the curves of his bod.

“That ass is goin’ in the spank bank,” Krajicek III thought to himself.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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