Sure, you have water and a first aid kit, but everyone knows the true measure of earthquake preparedness lies with hand crank flashlights. Without a hand crank flashlight, how will you even see your precious water and first aid? If you answered, “with battery-powered flashlights, candles, or daylight,” you might as well kill yourself and your family right now because your level of preparedness is leading them towards a shaky grave. Now let’s get down to business and find out just how prepared you are for THE BIG ONE.
Zero hand crank flashlights:
In a way, this is an admirable number of hand crank flashlights to own. The only reasonable explanation for not owning a hand crank flashlight is that when THE BIG ONE comes, you want to completely revert back to prehistoric times. I assume any owner of zero crank flashlights is an expert in survival and plans to use THE BIG ONE as a test of their expertise. Congratulations on your courage and good luck to you!
One hand crank flashlight:
A huge percentage of people in this category must be comparing hand crank flashlights online before they purchase a second one, or loaning one of their hand crank flashlights to a friend. This is perfectly acceptable as long as you’ll only have one hand crank flashlight for a few days. However, if you are somehow only in possession of one hand crank flashlight and do not have immediate plans to obtain a second one, I’m extremely concerned. Do you carry knives blindfolded? Do you keep poison in an unmarked mustard container in your refrigerator? If so, perhaps you’re someone who lives life on the edge, and this singular hand crank flashlight ownership is simply another way of expressing your lifestyle. If, however, you are someone who thinks they are protecting themselves and their family from THE BIG ONE with only one hand crank flashlight, think again! What if during THE BIG ONE you crank too hard and the hand crank falls off? What if a pillar falls over and crushes your hand crank flashlight? If you are one of these people, please stop reading this article immediately and go to one of these reputable hand crank vendors:
Two hand crank flashlights:
Look, sure, we’ve all been where you are. Maybe you’re a college student who’s only been out of your parents’ house for a few months. Maybe you’re just a laid back dude spending most of your time smokin’ j’s and taking bong rips, and earthquake preparedness just isn’t your thing. Here’s the catch: if not dying in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake is also your thing, you’re gonna want to get more hand crank flashlights. What if during THE BIG ONE the bulb wears out on one flashlight, and the other one has an annoying reflective glare? What if a pillar falls and crushes both of your hand crank flashlights? Do yourself a favor and follow the little voice in the back of your head telling you that you’re not really safe. Get another hand crank flashlight.
Three hand crank flashlights:
You’re doing okay, but let me ask you this: can you 100% guarantee to me that a pillar or pillar-like object won’t fall over in your home during a 9.8 Richter scale earthquake, crushing all three of your hand crank flashlights? That’s what I thought.
Four or more hand crank flashlights:
Let’s be real, we’re going to be the only ones alive mere hours after THE BIG ONE. I personally think we should rename California “Quake-ifornia” and that we should all move into a celebrity’s house–preferably Brad and Angelina’s house, but I also heard on a podcast that Ellen’s house is really nice. Also, I call being in charge of our vast collection of hand crank flashlights.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!