SAVE OUR NATIONAL PARKS SO I CAN LEGALLY FUCK IN THE WOODS
By
May 15, 2017

1494808984__treeIn his first 100 days, Trump has launched an assault on the environment the likes of which we’ve never seen. He’s gutted the EPA, is considering backing out of the Paris Climate Accord and most tragically, slashed the budget for the National Parks. I believe it is of the utmost importance that we save our National Parks so that the next generation of Americans may enjoy the wonder of the great outdoors, and so that I can keep legally fucking in the woods.

Our National Parks cover some of the most beautiful land in our country and the world. I’m a great lover of the outdoors, and as such I’ve visited many National Parks with many different sexual partners. I’ve climbed mountains, swam under waterfalls, and enjoyed large amounts of gratifying lovemaking in the campgrounds of every park from the Grand Canyon to the Everglades. Without our parks system, I’m not sure I would’ve ever been able to witness such beauty — both natural and sexual.

When conservationists were building our parks system, they knew that within our great American wilderness there were spaces where people could fuck that were worth protecting. I’m reminded of a quote from the great American naturalist John Muir, who wrote, “In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks.” I think we all know what he meant by receiving: oral. And the freedom to get dome on Half Dome is exactly what’s at stake here.

I’ve tried fucking indoors, and it just doesn’t work. How can I lose myself in the physical act of love without being able to glimpse a majestic ridgeline from the flap of my Marmot Colfax two person tent? I’ve also tried fucking in other spaces outdoors, but that doesn’t work either, mainly for legal reasons. In a tent in a national park, anything goes, but underneath a picnic table at a city park suddenly what I do is “shameful” and “clearly not allowed.” Although they weren’t his exact words, my arresting officer was right: there is no substitute for the National Parks system.

So please, do what you can. Visit the National Parks in your area so you can see what all the fucking is about! If you can’t visit, donate. If you can’t donate, fuck. In the words of the President responsible for our National Parks system, Teddy Roosevelt: “There are no words that can tell the hidden spirit of the wilderness, that can reveal its mystery, its melancholy, and its charm. So go out there and get you some strange.”

If the National Parks system cannot be saved then I will consider chemical castration.

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


CARTOONS
caption nov
Hangin' in There-58 mini

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!