Say No To King Tutankhamun! #NotMyPharaoh
By
April 27, 2017

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People of Egypt, hear me! Our new ruler is not fit to sit upon the throne! This senseless tradition of familial ascension must be brought to its rightful end! No more shall our rulers be determined by their bloodline and collective assets that place them in the top 1% of the top 1% off all Egyptians! This is not what a system of government based on the rules of the goddess Ma’at looks like! Say no to King Tutankhamun! And don’t forget to use the hieroglyph hashtag #NotMyPharaoh

A sub-10 year old holding dominion over the most powerful empire on Earth should strike fear into your hearts, for not only is this toddler unable to take a river bath alone, but he also happens to have a mother who doubles as his aunt. I realize this has been labeled as a rumor, but I have a friend who knows a weaver who knows a merchant who knows a scribe who knows a priest who knows a nobleman who knows his wet nurse Maia, so it’s legit.

Bearing that in mind, there is absolutely no reason to not wake up every sunrise – even if you’re a slave being forced to construct the Sphinx – with the thought: this is not okay. The ‘this’ being that the elite have allowed an actual child to make life-changing decisions that affect millions of people, all while being about as intelligent as a day-old scarab beetle – and that’s being generous. And I bet he still needs help using a palm leaf to wipe his own tizak. Ugh.

Even though we’re not supposed to talk openly about this, he married his half-sister Ankhesenpaaten. Their unholy union is immoral, insulting, and incredibly icky. Not only that, but physicians say the offspring of incest often suffer from physical abnormalities and disabilities. Just yesterday I saw Tut from, I don’t know, about a couple hundred cubits away during one of his public announcements, and I’m certain the blurry brown blob in his hand was a cane. A cane for cripples, not a sugar one.

Perhaps the most frightening reality is that Tut isn’t truly in command. Anyone with one half of their brain entombed in a canopic jar is privy to General Horemheb being the real pharaoh behind the ornamental curtain. His bloodlust is well known and our baby king is no match for a man with forty renpets of life experience to his nine. It also doesn’t help that he looks like an actual snake. Plus, if Tut knew of Horemheb’s evil Apep ties, he would probably wet his little bier. 

These facts – in all their horrific truth – are fantastic fuel for our cause. That said, I advise everyone to constantly bring them up and any otherwise slanderous of upsettingly true facts at all points in time, in every social situation. Whether it’s a birthing ceremony, ritual sacrifice, or an undead summoning – don’t stop talking about it. Our duty is to remove the bandages from the eyes of the figuratively mummified ignorant populace, and then get them to commit to performing one political action a day.

Engrave a stone tablet or column with #NotMyPharoah, quill a papyri to a noble demanding any sort of healthcare or living wage, book a room in one of the pyramids and host a support group – do whatever you can. These actions may seem small – especially since you likely are a poor, insignificant peasant with no hopes of climbing the social ladder or living a pleasant life – but combined, I believe they will take down the Tut Administration.

By joining forces, we can show the king that we’re angry and we will not accept his rule willingly. This means we need to enact large-scale protest across Egpyt, ASAP. I’m talking Thebes, Akhetaten, Crocodilopolis, the works. If my intel is correct, there will be sister demonstrations across Mesopotamia, the Indus Valley, China, and Punt. I’ve hired canvassers to spread the word about dates/locations and if you’re not home when one of them stops by, they’ll just leave a note on the door using lamb’s blood that will have all the deets.

After these initial marches we will need to retain our sense of purpose and settle in for the long haul because Tut will reign until his death. Though, he could die at any moment because of wonky genes, not that I would never wish that upon him or anyone – I’m not an animal or an animal-based God. All I’m saying is that it would make things a lot easier if he did. Honestly, at this point, I’d rather have to go through another ten plagues than see what sort of terrors the foreseeable future has in store for us, because Amun-Ra damnit, this is all stinks.

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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