School of the Americas Aptitude Test
By
June 4, 2013

(NOTE: Due to the classified nature of this information, only a portion of the test has been reproduced.)

05. Rate how dangerous to America these potential hot zones are, in order of most threatening to least:

– Syria
– Iran
– India
– Liberia
– Sweden
– Canada

35. You have captured a subversive accused of distributing cartoons of the current American president saying, “I am the money cesspool.” What method will you use to interrogate him?

a) The Candy Land Shuffle
b) The Zero Darkest Thirty
c) The Channing Tatum Tot
d) The Kitchen Sink In The Kitchen Drawer

39. A particularly troublesome prime minister has refused entirely reasonable trade agreements. What would be the best tool to deal with this situation?

a) Sniper rifle
b) Package laced with chemical weapons
c) Homemade bomb and a parking attendant paid to look the other way
d) Good old-fashioned elbow grease (also known as “strangulation”)

46. It is best to:

a) Ask questions prior to shooting
b) Ask questions as you shoot
c) Shoot first, ask questions later
d) Shoot first, never question

51. A senate hearing is being held because you allegedly committed war crimes. Which of the following is the most effective answer to all questions about your actions?

a) “I do not have a clear recollection of what took place.”
b) “The circumstances surrounding this incident are classified as a matter of national security.”
c) “No comment.”
d) Nothing. You mysteriously disappear before the trial starts.

58.  bone : shattering :: muscle : _______

a) pulling
b) twisting
c) tearing
d) puncturing

63. Provide a sample of the banter you would use to infiltrate a group of trade reform activists.

67. Please list, in detail, five practical uses for each of the following objects: duct tape, car battery, bucket of ice, patent leather gloves, papier-mâché lizard mask

72. Which is the most effective brand of lighter fluid?

76. Define three non-lethal methods to quell a hunger strike among enemy combatants.

77. Define three lethal methods to quell a hunger strike among enemy combatants.

85. Please outline, in essay form, the rationalizations you will use to justify your behavior. Be sure to include issues most likely to cause cognitive dissonance, how deeply your religion is tied to your moral certainty, and a rough estimate of panic attacks and/or mental breakdowns you may suffer.

 

 

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