I just turned 20. I’m soooo old. Life is fleeting. Oh, the follies of youth. I’m no longer in my teens, which means that from now on my mistakes won’t be referred to as “learning experiences,” but as “regrets” and “failures.” This also means that from now on I have to support myself financially. I have to provide myself with shelter, food, and water, or else I’ll die.
So, I have to go out and find a job. But, job searching is hard. Most job interviews are me figuring out how long I can lie to a stranger without feeling bad about myself. Instead, I’ve come up with a solid alternative. What I’m going to do is create my own jobs. Specifically, jobs where I can make money off of children. It’s the easiest thing to do, and everybody’s doing it!
I already have some pretty stellar ideas running and I’m currently swimming in it. Here are my services and rates. Help me out and tell other dumb kids about what I offer. I have broken my services into special “Package” deals. The ideal age range for these services is 12-18 years old. Here they are:
I will buy you rated “M for Mature” video games. This price jumps to $30 if I am asked to purchase at a midnight release. Also, I get to play the video game first. If you have a problem with this I will tell your parents you steal from them. Despite how “Immature” that may seem.
No New Friends: $20/hr
I will teach you how to talk shit. Talk shit to your mom, dad, teacher, boss, principal, etc. I can help you win an argument in whichever style you choose. Passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, or straight-up attacking a person for their physical and emotional flaws. These invaluable skills can also be used recreationally amongst friends whenever you wanna make fun of their mother(s) or socioeconomic status. I can be the reason you get what you want, and why you’ve alienated everyone who has ever thought anything positive of you. I can Skype for a more intimate private lesson. Or talk over the phone. My number is (323) 500-8731. Talk to you soon, bitch.
Crowd Favorite: $27
I will stuff the ballot box with your name for the upcoming student body election.
Trending Topic: $35
I will create a new slang word for you and give you credit. Now how Boose is that? (That’s a freebie!)
I will make sure your Homecoming/Prom is NOT “Great Gatsby” themed. You will thank me for the rest of your life. Trust me! I should charge way way more.
Most Improved: $60
I will go to your parent-teacher conference, pretending to be your parent and/or legal guardian. Sign your progress reports, and report cards. How’s that sound, SON?
Teenage Love: $200
I will tell the boy/girl you are currently crushing on how cool you are and why they should date you. This package includes a photoshop picture of your choice. Choose from these three options: You crossing up Michael Jordan in a pickup game, you standing in front of that tank in China or whatever, a pic of you with a dead rapper of your choice and today’s newspaper.
Otha Fish: $400
I will help mend your broken heart when the person you tried using the $200 package on denies your advances by becoming “just your friend.” “Your friend” who doesn’t reply to your texts and always has something “come up” the moment you’re supposed to hang. I will pat your head as you cry and tell me how things aren’t fair. I will also listen to you describe how different they are for you compared to other people, as I try my best not to tell you that so many other people like the same exact things you like.
I will beat up your principal and blame it on somebody you hate. I have never been in a fight, but I will do my best.
This is only a sample of what I have to offer. I have kids lining up around the block as I speak. So many kids, so many insecurities, so much of their parents’ money. One day these kids will look back and realize that the problems they have today are absolutely insignificant and not worth the heavy price tags. Am I a bad person for doing this? No. But I’m sure this will be a great “learning experience.”
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!