-Always have a pot of piping hot milk ready and raring to go for any sisters who are in need of a top off. Should a sister knock on your pathetic excuse for a door at 3 a.m., and you have milk but its temperature is not exactly ninety-three degrees, you will be executed.
-Recite the house prayer twenty-five times before you go to sleep every night: “Starbucks is the devil and its minions must perish. Drinking Sigma Chai Latte’s Chai Lattes are the only memories I cherish. The devil must die.” Repeat every single night until you are old and grey or until your untimely death.
-Shove a cinnamon stick up your butt twice a day in order to adequately experience what a chai latte goes through on its quest for that perfect taste that we’ve all come to know and love. Do not think of skipping even one cinnamon stick insertion as we can identify the scent of an only-once-dipped-cinnamon-stick asshole. If you fail to comply with this rule, we will shove as many cinnamon sticks as Trader Joe’s carries up your butthole and make you smoke them all via your butt.
-Make a journey to India and gather the blackest tealeaves you can find as well as the milk of Saka, India’s celebrity cow. There are armed guards surrounding Saka 24/7, but figure out a way to get past them to milk Saka and bring her glorious nectar home to Sigma Chai Latte. If you cannot complete this task, do not come back alive.
-Demonstrate your devotion. If a guy were to ask your worthless ass out, say for a cup of coffee, throw a freshly brewed chai latte (you should always have one on hand) in his face and then calmly burn his house down. Return to your home, draw a warm chai latte bath, immerse yourself in it. Close your eyes. Sink deeper and deeper, letting its currents of flavor caress you. Let them lull you into a deep sleep, possibly your last.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!