I fall asleep watching golf on the couch.

I never want to eat at the Rainforest Cafe.

I find that I’m increasingly irritable with people.

I am involuntarily undergoing horrific and painful physical transformations.

I can’t recall the last time I slept without waking up to pee.

I have a body covered in thick hair everywhere. (Besides my head, where I am going bald.)

I howl at my sister for no reason other than it’s a full moon.

I no longer try to have sex with my mom.

I don’t get carded at bars because I have the appearance of a 58-year-old man.

I was recently bitten by my father.

I can’t watch Field of Dreams without crying.

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!