I fall asleep watching golf on the couch.
I never want to eat at the Rainforest Cafe.
I find that I’m increasingly irritable with people.
I am involuntarily undergoing horrific and painful physical transformations.
I can’t recall the last time I slept without waking up to pee.
I have a body covered in thick hair everywhere. (Besides my head, where I am going bald.)
I howl at my sister for no reason other than it’s a full moon.
I no longer try to have sex with my mom.
I don’t get carded at bars because I have the appearance of a 58-year-old man.
I was recently bitten by my father.
I can’t watch Field of Dreams without crying.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!