You just bought an officially licensed “Margaritaville” frozen concoction maker.

You just bought the “Five Pounds of Paradise” mixer pack for your “Margaritaville” “Margaritaville” frozen concoction maker.

You get into vicious fights about proper cleaning of mixer blades on the “MargaManiacs” subreddit.

You just said, “Son? I have no son. Except for you…my precious Blendy.” You said this while rocking back and forth, clutching a blender wearing a hat.

You started an online petition to allow men to marry blenders, even if those blenders are also their sons. It currently has 17,394 signatures.

Your self-produced album, Saltin’ the Rim of Life, is a smash hit. Unfortunately, you’ve spent the money on three thousand additional “Margaritaville” frozen concoction makers.

You stopped showering. (This is unrelated to blenders, but still, not a great sign.)

Your house made of “Margaritaville” brand frozen concoction makers is the #1 tourist destination in Texas. It even blends real mixed drinks. You’ll never guess what you did with the money.

You’ve been elected to the U.S. Senate on the “‘Ritas and Fajitas” platform. They call you, “King Midas, But For Margaritas,” because everything you touch turns to a delicious blended concoction. Your supermodel wife and ultramodel mistress flank you at every press event. The president has asked you to move into the White House just so you can “hang out more.” Somehow, you’re also head quarterback for the NY Giants. So drink up, America!

This piece brought to you by the officially licensed “Margaritaville” brand frozen concoction maker.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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