Simon Bailey Got a New Job!
By
May 16, 2014

New LinkedIn Message: Congrats on the new job!
Kenneth Bradshaw – Consultant and Tastemaker at Self-Employed

Hey Simon,

A little email birdy told me about your new gig so here I am on LinkedIn congratulating you formally and professionally! Director of Sales Operations? Major congrats, indeed. Seems like only yesterday we were both interns at Kraft Foods brainstorming Capri Sun flavor names. Time sure flies. Hope you’re living the dream and look forward to hearing from you!

With Regards and Congratulations,
Kenneth Bradshaw

RE: Congrats on the new job!
Kenneth Bradshaw – Consultant and Tastemaker at Self-Employed

Hey Simon,

Following up here on my congratulations message. I’m sure you’re busy settling into the new office routine and whatnot, which is probably why you haven’t had time to respond. Director of Sales Operations at a Fortune 500 sure does sound like a demanding position. Though I know from our time together at Kraft that you can handle the pressure. I mean, remember when we had to test all those new cheese formulas within an hour, but I forgot to take my lactose pill and it took thirty minutes to activate so then we only had half an hour to taste and record observations on all those samples? Man, we blew through those powdered cheeses like Tim Allen would’ve had he been addicted to powdered cheese and not cocaine. I don’t mean to make light of a serious condition, but I wanted to use the reference to illustrate my point of YOU ROCK! Congrats again!

Best,
Ken

RE: Congrats on the new job!
Kenneth Bradshaw – Consultant and Tastemaker at Self Employed

Hey man,

I sent a message to the young woman who by all appearances on LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook seems to be your assistant. I just told her to tell you I said, “Congratulations!” and that you would know what it’s about.

Later,
KB

RE: Congrats on the new job!
Kenneth Bradshaw – Consultant and Tastemaker at Self Employed

Hey,

This is a bit off-topic, but you were in my dream last night. We were back at Kraft and you gave this awesome presentation on Volatility in the Prepared Foods Market. I went in for a high-five to congratulate you, but when you turned around you were a giant piece of dried macaroni in a suit. No idea what that’s all about, but thought you might find it funny.

Take it easy,
KB

RE: Congrats on the new job!
Kenneth Bradshaw – Consultant and Tastemaker at Self Employed

Hiya Simon,

Heard back from your assistant and it turns out she is not your assistant. Laura actually assists Dan Bederman. You know him? Looks like a good guy from his profile pic. Very professional. Oh well… what a waste of an InMail message, right? You probably don’t even know what I’m talking about now that you afford the account that offers unlimited InMail messages rather than intermittently signing up for the free one-month trial versions with limited InMail use the way I do. Also, congratulations again since your non-assistant never delivered the message!

Best,
Ken

RE: Congrats on the new job!
Kenneth Bradshaw – Consultant and Tastemaker at Self Employed

Hi Simon,

It’s been a little more than a month since my first congratulations and still no word from you? I’m trying not to take this personally, but I see you’ve connected with a few new people recently and it makes me wonder how you’ve missed my messages. It’s not like I’m one of those clowns from the People You May Know section. I’m definitely Person You Know And Have Had Some Good Times With Before material. I really hope this isn’t a manifestation of newfound power that’s gone to your head. Truthfully, I almost don’t feel like wishing you congratulations anymore, but my parents raised me better than that. So. Congratulations.

Sincerely,
Kenneth

RE: Congrats on the new job!
Kenneth Bradshaw – Consultant and Tastemaker at Self Employed

Simon,

If someone at your office approached you to say congratulations and give you a hearty pat on the back would you turn and walk away, leaving their compliments floating behind you unheard and their generously offered palm lingering mid-air without a back to pat? And if you did that then how could they not believe you think of yourself as a Mr. Big Shot Important Pants Man? The correlation is undeniable.

Sincerely,
Kenneth

RE: Congrats on the new job!
Kenneth Bradshaw – Consultant and Tastemaker at Self Employed

Simon,

I am at a loss for words. Your silence is crushing. If I could unconnect with you, I would, but you have too many valuable second and third connections for me to do so. This is my last message until you’ve proven I’m more to you than some insignificant thread in your massive networking web. For the final time, congratulations. You just lost a very important friend/business contact. That being said, I’d still really appreciate an endorsement and it’d go a long way towards mending the fence. Something like Strategic Communications or Interpersonal Savvy would be perfect.

I’ll keep an eye out,
Kenneth Bradshaw

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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