If you’re anything like me, you generally judge people solely on who they think was responsible for the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963. Instead of choosing who you associate yourself with based on their “personality” or other arbitrary measurements, this is far simpler and more efficient. The JFK assassination is one of few topics in the American zeitgeist of which there are dozens of opinions one could have. And people conveniently fall in to specific categories based on their belief.

6. The Warren Commission’s Findings

The Theory:

Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in killing the President, shooting him from the fifth floor of the Texas Schoolbook Depository. As reported in the findings of the Warren Commission.

The Kind of People Who Believe It:

One word: Boring. These are people who have done research into the shooting, as every red-blooded American should, and concluded that Oswald acted alone. They tend to spout nonsense such as, “Well, simplest answer is often the correct one.”

Also in this category exists the worst kind of person in the world: Somebody who doesn’t have a strong opinion about the Kennedy Assassination. You know, the kind of imbecile who will ask if you can talk about something else while everybody feverishly discusses if J.D. Tippet played a larger role than everybody thinks. These are the kind of people that you never want to associate yourself with. What would you even talk to them about?

5. Military Industrial Complex

The Theory:

For the United States to fully enter the war in Vietnam, Kennedy had to be eliminated. So, high-ranking members of the U.S Government, with influence of those who would make a profit on build-up of military arms, had the President killed.

The Kind of People Who Believe It:

Generally, people who like to rant about how evil the U.S Government is already tend to be unlikeable. They can range from your sister’s boyfriend who’s majoring in philosophy at his local state college to your local ISIS-affiliate. Are they right? Probably. The CIA has gotten up to some bullshit in the past sixty years or so. But that doesn’t mean we want to hear about it.

M.I.C’s are generally a pretentious bunch; they will take your lack of believing in them as a sign of your unwavering support for the corrupt, migrant exploiting, mass murdering U.S government that pays for their college.

4. The Mafia

The Theory:

After allegedly helping get John elected in 1960 by rigging the vote in Illinois, the Mafia was angered by his brother, Attorney General Robert Kennedy, and his crusade against them. So, they used Oswald as a front-man and Dallas night club owner Jack Ruby to silence him.

The Kind of People Who Believe It:

They tend to be on the older, whiter side of things. They will often say things like, “That was a hell of a shot Oswald had to make,” and they can name at least four people on the grassy knoll and their trajectory to the President’s motorcade. There is a sub-sect in this group of people who like to over-exaggerate any possible mob connections or roots they might have. You know, they knew a girl who gave haircuts to a guy who totally bought Oswald that Carcano Rifle in New Orleans.

These people usually like to present their case either through an un-spellchecked Facebook post or an unprompted monologue after two glasses of white wine at Thanksgiving Dinner.

3. Johnson

The Theory:

Fearing that he would be left of the 1964 Democratic Ticket, Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson had Kennedy killed to take the oval office for himself.

The Kind of People Who Believe It:

These tend to be people with a detailed knowledge of the Kennedy and Johnson administrations, and those kinds of people are typically a good hang. They know about Johnson’s anger with having a limited role in the White House compared to Robert Kennedy, the Attorney General whom he despised. That coupled with his tendency to go fucking bonkers certainly gives LBJ a motive. But that’s about it.

What keeps Johnson-ites from being higher on the list is that, for all their charm, they lack any hard evidence for their theory. They are content with the circumstantial evidence they have and that’ll be the end of it. Although arguing the endless logistics of the assassination with them can get frustrating, as they brush off any call for hard evidence, they’ll be more than willing to attend your weekly Camelot vs.Great Society debates.

2. The Soviets

The Theory:

The Soviet Union, using Lee Harvey Oswald as an agent in some capacity, had President Kennedy killed.

The Kind of People Who Believe It:

What I love about these people is how convinced they are that they’re right. It all lines up! Oswald was a communist with an FBI file! He lived in the Soviet Union from 1959 to 1962, returning to the United States just a few months before the Cuban Missile Crisis!

Those are the kinds of facts that they will point out, and part of what I like about these folks is that they are the most obsessed of the bunch. For some, the Kennedy Assassination is a full-blown hobby–a level of devotion that even I can’t endorse. If any kind of theorist is going to have a bulletin board with pictures and string somewhere in their house, they’ll belong to this crowd.

No matter the time or topic, they will find a way to bring up how Oswald handed out pro-Cuban pamphlets outside a grocery store a few weeks before the assassination. And I’m okay with that.

1. Mortal Error

The Theory:

Attempting to return fire on Oswald, Secret Service Agent George Hickey lost his balance when his car lurched forward and he accidentally fired a shot from his AR-15 rifle that instantly killed the 35th President.

The Kind of People Who Believe It:

When you have an extremely small group of people who are brought together by their shared awareness of the most unintentional piece of slapstick comedy in American history, how do they not top any list?

These are the cool, reserved types in the obsessed conspiracy theorist community. In high school, they were probably the guy in a cool jacket who was leaning on a wall and smoking a cigarette while cutting class. They looked at you with a kind of pity. While you wander the earth looking for answers to questions like, “How come the 2nd 6.5mm round from the Carcano rifle went clean through Kennedy and Governor Connelly, but the 3rd exploded the President’s head?” They know the truth, and they know you’ll hate them for it.

The most ostracized of the bunch, nobody wants to believe them. Kennedy killed on accident? Absurd! It was obviously the Cuban Nationals!

So, they stay silent. They don’t speak on the topic unless spoken to for fear of persecution. A believer in the Mortal Error theory could lose their job, social status, or even be assaulted in the streets just for their beliefs. This is not the kind of America that President Kennedy envisioned.

No, he dreamed of an America where people could gather and discuss their beliefs without fear. And also one where they could giggle in spite of themselves while discussing one of the most tragic single events in American history.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!