I’ve got another confession to make.
That’s right readers, I’ve found a song that I kind of like. It’s a dumb song, and I know that, so this is the one and only time it’s going to be okay to laugh at me instead of with me. Ready?
The song is “Machinehead,” by the band of professional musicians, Bush.
I’m not telling you that this is not a sad song, just that I kind of like it, and that’s mainly because I don’t know what it’s about. However, I have decided that “Machinehead” is probably about Darth Vader. Let’s have a look:
“Breathe in, breathe out” – Darth Vader LOVES breathing.
“Gone from green to red” – refers to lightsabers, obviously.
“I’m conscious all the time” – probably something about that pod where Darth Vader hangs out in The Empire Strikes Back!
“If I had it all again I’d change it all” – This is the sad part. Darth Vader’s story is a tragedy.
Admittedly, it’s a tune from the 1990s, and as I mentioned last month, I have a little bit of affection for songs I remember from the school bus. Especially when I can’t make out the words. Anyway, let’s take a look at your letters, where you suggest songs that you think are not sad, and then I explain to you why you are wrong.
Sasha H., Hollywood, California suggests, Lil Jon’s “Turn Down For What.”
Well I’m sorry, Ms. or Mr. H, but I’m not familiar with his work. On to the next letter in our mailbag!
S. Huff, from Hollywood, Florida writes, “Have you heard ‘Pompeii’ by Bastille?”
Well Mr. or Ms. Huff, the answer is no. I have not. This wouldn’t be much of an article if I left it there though, so I’m willing to give it a listen. But I do know this: Pompeii is both one of the greatest natural disasters in history, and one of the most disastrous film releases of the year, so I don’t feel like there’s a lot to be optimistic about here. By the time I write the following paragraph, I will have sampled this ditty. But not like 2 Live Crew sampled ditties. More like how a wine critic samples a fresh vintage. But not “fresh” like 2 Live Crew.
And now, having swirled the melodies of Mr. Bastille in my ears, it is time to spit them into a bucket overflowing with songs and critical fluids. To me, it sounds like our narrator agrees with my initial assessment. There’s something in there about the city being destroyed, and a singer struggling to find hope. I’ll just punch these facts into my trusty Sadnometer and see what we get. Oh, apparently this song is Unbearably Sad.
Everyone and their mother writes, “Hey, I’ve got a happy song for you! How about ‘HAPPY’ by Pharrell Williams? That’s a happy song! It’s got ‘happy’ right in the name, get it?”
“HAPPY” is to our world what “Everything is Awesome” is to the people of Bricksburg. a) It’s pacifying consumerist claptrap. b) It’s downright boring after the first thirty seconds. Like a room without a moose.
Twitter user @SashaHuff writes: “BWAHAHAAHAHAHA Katy Perry – Birthday The neighborhood – Sweater Weather there ya go!”
You know, when I started this column, I thought it was going to be fun. I’d take some playful jabs at endearing pop classics and readers would do half the work for me by supplying songs for me to write about. Well, it turns out that I was wrong, and things have gone too far. I hated these songs. They’re not even catchy. At least “Happy” is pacifying consumerist claptrap.
At this point, I find myself struggling to remember the non-titular lyrics of either song, and yet I can’t imagine deliberately playing even one of them a second time. It was both a blessing and curse to discover that “Birthday” was only eight minutes long. It also contained, “additional writing by Bruce Vilanch.” How low Bruce Vilanch has fallen!
Dearest readers, I now understand the appeal of the curmudgeon and the hermit! If this is what the kids today are listening to, then I hate the kids too! This is an awful job! Joviality? Mirth? I regret to inform you that there is none to be found! I’ve had it! I’ve had it up to here! I’m done! I quit! You can send your suggestions of happy songs straight to Hell!
(Rob Schultz is like a music critic for The Higgs Weldon. He lives in Los Angeles where he relies upon the Higgs Weldon company health insurance plan and cannot afford to quit at this time, so if you do have a song you’d like featured in next month’s column, you may send that to SongsAreSad@TheHiggsWeldon.com, instead of Hell.)
The Higgs Weldan is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!