I am like a music critic. I am not a music critic, but I am like one. The best music critics, the Internet has taught me, are here to tell you why the music you like is terrible. Especially if it’s new music. Yuck.
I don’t listen to much new music myself. I feel like I’m probably too young to have stopped listening to new music, but then, I felt that way about six years ago when I noticed it had happened to me.
I’ll level with you, folks, I don’t recognize which “Weird Al” Yankovic songs are the parodies anymore.
But one thing I do know is that all songs are sad. It’s because of those horrible sad words that get crammed into all the songs. As always, allow me to prove it to you by dipping into the mailbag.
“Walking on Sunshine,” by Katrina and the Waves, submitted by August A., Ramsey, NJ
Okay, this is a common mistake. The music is very fun, so you may have let yourself think this isn’t a sad song. But it is. The song is about how lonely the narrator is. You just remember how happy she sounds, but what is she happy about? Getting a letter from her lover, who promises to come and visit someday. Second verse? She’s spent her whole life waiting for the lover who never visits for more than a weekend or a day. Clearly he’s married, has a family, and the singer is a wreck, chanting to herself that their love is real as she is packed into the back of an ambulance. On the sadnometer, this song is rated: Very Sad!
T. Jeffries, of Framingham, MA writes, “How about ‘We Didn’t Start The Fire,’ by Billy Joel?”
T-Jeff, “We Didn’t Start The Fire” is a list of disasters and tragedies of the 20th century, sung in chronological order. Next!
“Call Me Maybe,” by Carly Rae Jepson, submitted by Pug Weldon, Norfolk, WI
Decades later, we the people are still falling for cheerful sounding, lovelorn songstresses. If anything, this is the saddest song of the lot today, because at least in “Walking on Sunshine,” the narrator had a lover. We look past the message of “Call Me Maybe” for two reasons: 1) It’s sung by a lady that we hope is pretty in accordance with our society’s standards of beauty and 2) it is a song. Unfortunately for us, that message is one of crushing sadness. If the singer were male, we would recognize him as the guy who says, “Hey man, the way I figure it, you just gotta stand on a street corner and ask women if they wanna have sex, because like, it’s gotta work eventually right? It’s all a numbers game, dude. Whatever. I’ll ask a hundred women to have sex with me in this alley on a Thursday afternoon, because if ninety-nine of them say no, it only takes one to say yes. And what if she’s the thirtieth one I ask? I’ll be home in an hour!” Let’s face it, when you desperately miss someone whom you don’t actually know and can’t even make eye contact with, that is, at best, stalking. Sadnometer says: Very Sad Indeed!
If you think you know a song that isn’t overwhelmingly sad, or even, dare I say it, happy, please do write in and tell us, at email@example.com. Until then, keep those ears plugged and those spirits high!
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!