Let’s face it readers, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but what I really can’t stand are songs. Nothing ruins a jaunty tune faster than being paired with some dreadful poem.

Every now and then, there’s an appropriate time and place for a song, like at the funeral of someone who wasn’t particularly well-liked, or during a film when you want to give the audience a clue about what they’re supposed to be feeling.

This month, let’s celebrate the 86th Academy Awards by cherry-picking items from the ol’ mailbag that pertain to songs from films, and we’ll learn together just how sad they are:

Reader JStampz2322 writes, “Remember ‘That Thing You Do?’ That’s a danceable classic!” 

JStamp, for one thing, the band in that movie is an analogue for the Beatles, and just like most Beatles songs, this is kind of a creepy stalker song addressed to a woman who isn’t interested in the narrator. For another, “that thing” is heroin.

Courtesy of Hillary V, “’My Heart Will Go On,’ from the major motion picture Titanic. It’s wonderful. Did you know that in order to make the music video in slow motion, Celine Dion had to learn how to sing a fast version of the song that sounded like the Chipmunks, so that when they played it back slow her lips would match up with the music?” 

Hillary, it’s sad that you know that. Anyway, this song is a ballad of crushing loss.

Twitter user @IFJasconius suggests, “How about the famous ‘I Dreamed a Dream?’ There are so many great versions of that song, I love it!” 

Oh really, IFJ? That popular tune from the musical, The Miserables? Not even Oscar®-nominated! Not even eligible! Next!

Lightning round! Sarah, Lose Yourself is the story of a loser who blows his one chance at success. Chris P., Under the Sea is a delightful tune, and if the lyrics were only the part where he names animals I’d agree with you, but you’re forgetting the part that’s about feeling unsatisfied with your life and encouraging conformity so you don’t “end up on the plate.” Jeremy C., I’m giving Jai Ho a pass because it’s not in English and I don’t know what it’s about. I hope to never find out. At least the three of you picked actual Oscar® winners.

And a special consolation prize to Real in Rio, which no reader mistook for a happy song, but which did lose the Oscar® in 2011, when only two (2) songs were even nominated. Pretty sad. If you’d like to nominate a song as being happy, then drop us a line, at SongsAreSad@thehiggsweldon.com. Until next month, get lost!



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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