1. Dress to impress! 
Pick something flattering that hides those problem areas. Potato sacks, garbage bags, and a peplum top are always good!
2. Lipstick! 
Achieve that red lip vixen look by eating a Red Baron pizza in under thirty minutes.
3. Beauty is in the eyes! 
Fall asleep in last night’s makeup to get that coveted smoky eye look! Those drunk tears will give you a sexy smudge!
4. Try try again! 
You’re going to want to regret all makeup and clothing choices you’ve done up to this point. Take everything off as you yell at that “stupid bitch” in the mirror and start all over. Be sure to send at least 8 people a picture of your outfit to get advice. This will take about 45 minutes. That second Red Baron pizza should be done by now!
5. These boots were made for walkin’! 
You’re too tall to wear heels, you dumb idiot. No one is going to talk to you at the bar if you wear those.
6. Hair do’s (and don’ts) 
Follow that tutorial online to get mermaid waves until right after you’ve burned your hand. Hop in the shower and wash out that sea salt spray. The running water will muffle your crying!
7. Achieve Nirvana
Find true happiness by escaping samsara, and wearing the tightest crop top you can find!!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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