Pop-Culture Clash-Em-Ups!: Stoudemire vs. Stottlemeyer
By
November 20, 2013

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It’s the question on everyone’s lips: Who’s better, New York Knicks power forward Amar’e Stoudemire or the TV show Monk‘s Captain Leland Stottlemeyer? Pop-Culture Clash-Em-Ups settles the debate!

QUESTION 1: WHO HAS SOLVED MORE CRIMES?

While Amar’e Stoudemire certainly solved the crime that was the Knicks seven-season playoff drought, Captain Stottlemeyer and Monk have been solving murders for decades, making Stottlemeyer a slam dunk! Stottlemeyer 1, Stoudemire 0.

QUESTION 2: WHO WORKS BETTER WITH MONK?

Amar’e Stoudemire is a great team player, earning the respect of his fellow Suns and Knicks alike. However, Stottlemeyer has a lot of direct experience working with Monk, having helped put away the sinister Brad Garrett and the diabolical Andy Richter. Amar’e Stoudemire also gets very sweaty, which Monk would not like. Stottlemeyer 2, Stoudemire 0.

QUESTION 3: WHO IS THE BETTER PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYER?

Though Captain Stottlemeyer does love basketball (as evidenced in Mr. Monk’s 100th Case), Amar’e Stoudemire has made six NBA All-Star Game appearances. Still, Stottlemeyer is in amazing shape for his age, and can really do anything he puts his mind to, so I’m giving this one to Stottlemeyer. Stottlemeyer 3, Stoudemire 0.

QUESTION 4: WHICH ONE IS NAMED “CAPTAIN LELAND STOTTLEMEYER?”

Though the name “Stoudemire” is close (they share the same number of syllables, and both begin with “Sto,”) Stottlemeyer, not Stoudemire, is named Stottlemeyer. Sorry, Stoudemire! Stottlemeyer 4, Stoudemire 0.

QUESTION 5: WHICH HAS MORE NBA PLAYOFF APPEARANCES?

Amar’e Stoudemire has made the NBA playoffs six times (five with the Suns, once with the Knicks). Captain Stottlemeyer is currently not on an NBA team. But if you think about it, isn’t putting murderers behind bars worth more than any championship ring? Of course it is. Stottlemeyer 5, Stoudemire 0.

QUESTION 6: WHY IS CAPTAIN LELAND STOTTLEMEYER SO COOL?

It probably has a lot to do with veteran actor Ted Levine, who adds an incredible layer of depth and nuance to the character. He’s not just a humorless foil – he genuinely cares about Monk, even if he doesn’t always show it.

Stoudemire, on the other hand, recently refused to give me an autograph, even after I explained that I’d been waiting outside his house for hours. I even went to the trouble of finding his cell number, and left 10-15 messages to set up an autograph signing/best friends hangout. Did he get back to me? You’d expect him to, but no, he didn’t.

I even did him the favor of following his dad around one day, and sending him video of it, to show how easy it would be for a crazy guy to harass his family. You’ll never guess what happened next: he called the cops on me! What kind of a man does that to the fans that got him there in the first place? You’re dead to me, Stoudemire. You’re about to enter hell. Stottlemeyer 6, Stoudemire 0.

Well, the results are in, and Stottlemeyer wins! Better luck next time, Stoudemire, you fucking piece of shit.

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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