Fire hair

If you have literal flames spurting from your head, keep those tresses short. Not only will it save you money on combustible materials, but men also love the “probably won’t light me on fire” look!

Thick, frizzy hair

For long smooth locks, comb your hair every night with a salve made of essential lavender oil and organic fair-trade koala gall while repeating the incantation “unus ad decorem, duas ad decorem…” It works best if your comb was enchanted by a warlock. (An organic warlock only, please.)

Golden hair

It may sound like a blessing, but every gal with strands of pure gold growing from her scalp knows that ogres become a real problem. It’s like, they see your mystical mane and just assume your tits are made of gemstones, and pretty soon they start running after you with pickaxes. Keep ogres at bay by keeping your hair tucked under a sensible hat. 

Hair that forms a pentagram whenever you lie down and summons a jinn named Modo

Sounds perfect! Nothing wrong here.

Hair so brittle it breaks off in a breeze

If your hair is so brittle that chunks of it fall out every time you roll down your car windows, you need to PUT DOWN THE STRAIGHTENER. We know that flat, lifeless hair is sexy, but the excess heat really does a number on your hair, especially if you’re already in the flames of hell. To repair the damage, we recommend a leave-in conditioner made with organic coconut milk, the tears of small children and organic negative ions. 

Curly hair

Do people even have curly hair anymore? We thought The Enemy forbade it.

Hair that is constantly shouting the name “Steve”

Girls with this hair type know the embarrassment of getting busy with a guy only to have their hair shout “Steve” during the climax of pleasure. Save yourself the humiliation by only dating men named Steve. If you’re currently in a relationship, try to convince your man to change his name to Steve. We suggest saying, “I just really think you look like a Steve,” or “Did you know that men named Steve earn on average 5% more income over their lifetime?” or “Only a man named Steve deserves to be drenched in the blood of mine enemies.”

Fine hair

If–wow, your hair so soft. Do you mind if we lie on it, just for a minute? No, I’m sure there’s room, I’ll just move my tail. Now you, retract your claws already–you’re frightening the poor girl. We won’t be long, we won’t be long. We’re just going to finish the list from here.

Serpent hair

A lot of people make the mistake of overfeeding their serpents, and is there anything less striking on a woman’s head than plump, lethargic vipers? A typical hair-serpent only needs to eat one small rat every 2 to 3 weeks. Rub oil over your serpents to maintain a healthy shine between feedings.

Hair that is allergic to itself

There is nothing worse than hair that breaks out in a rash every time it comes in contact with another strand of your own hair. We suggest rinsing your hair once a week with the blood of a virgin. No, we never said you were a virgin, dear. Well, we wouldn’t have guessed. Don’t be silly, that’s not a knife, just hold still. I said stop moving!…We suggest rinsing your hair once a week with our new all-natural hair tonic. Order now; supplies are limited.



The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!