Summer is right around the corner. Unless you live in Australia, in which case, winter is right around the corner, and that’s extremely unfortunate.

This American summer, everyone seems to have two things on their minds: vacation and trying to not die during Trump’s Presidency.

Vacations can be a great way to gain perspective, taste the cuisine of other regions as well as experience one if not several epiphanies. But they can also be costly. Thus I have compiled a list of alternative spots to popular destinations in an effort to leave your heart and bank account, full. Bon Voyage.

Tulum vs. Tijuana

There’s no denying Tulum is the “it” place to be in Mexico right now; stretches of its endless white beaches consistently sprawl across blogger’s Instagram’s, and its water? As sparkling as Reese Witherspoon’s performance in Big Little Lies. But those litter- free beaches come with a hefty price tag. Enter Tijuana, Tulum’s ratchet cousin. For those in California, Tijuana is just a drive and a prayer away. Activities on your itinerary could involve: indulging in some authentic margaritas, smuggling a stray cat across the border or fleeing a drug cartel. Plus, fresh guacamole always tastes better after an unprecedented brush with death.

Ojai vs. Bakersfield

Drive up the coast of California and you’ll encounter the quaint (read: white) town of Ojai. A stunning oasis ideal for drinking a glass of Rosé whilst admiring a locally sourced colander or discussing the pros and cons of natural dyes over a farm to table crudité platter. But alas, places this photogenic always comes at a cost… Enter Bakersfield or B-Field, as it’s known to the locals. B-Field is the ninth most populous city in California so, convincing your friends to tag along should be a cinch. The town is ripe with several Arby’s locations and a theater. It also boasts the illustrious Kern River, which is currently flowing eleven times stronger than it was last year. The power of the flow has unfortunately resulted in a couple of deaths and while this news is tragic, costs of vacation rentals could potentially be lowered in an effort to boost sales, so strike while the iron is hot.  

Maine vs. Iowa

Sometimes considered but never officially termed the, “Crowned Jewel,” of the East Coast, Maine is home to arguably the world’s most beautiful light houses, natural wonders and of course, lobster rolls. The air is as fresh as its seafood and serves as the perfect companion for enjoying a cup of expertly brewed coffee whilst looking out on a body of water. If you can’t quite afford to journey to the most Northern state of New England, might I suggest Iowa? Home to a plethora of Bachelor contestants, Iowa is first and pretty much only known for its cornfields. While this doesn’t sound immediately impressive, take a moment to reflect on all the incredible foods that corn occupies: corn bread, corn tortillas, candy corn… the list honestly goes on. It’s worth mentioning that Iowa is also home to many riveting lakes. So do yourself a favor and visit this Mid-West treasure, your thirst for corn will thank you.

Hawaii vs. Islands (The Restaurant)  

It’s easy to understand why people long to be in the Aloha state… of mind. The fiftieth state really knows how to lei out a beautiful setting for honeymoons, weddings, and groundbreaking TV shows such as but not limited to, J.J. Abrams’, Lost. But just as Ben Affleck learned from J. Lo: beauty comes at a high price. So if you’re looking to save some coin, I just happen to know of another island where you can simultaneously be your best self and not have to be rushed to the hospital immedately after seeing your credit card bill. That’s right, I’m talking about Islands, the popular food chain with a tropical themed menu and vibe. With over fifty locations, Islands is accessible, affordable and family friendly. After their “Tiki Tenders,” “Island Nachos,” and “Big Island Iced Tea,” you might start believing the colorful, wooden parrot in the corner is actually real! Islands, all of the Americanized culinary perks of Hawaii, without the hastle of a plane! Aloha, indeed.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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