To Kevin, for when he threw balled up paper at my head in the middle of English class and got the whole class to laugh at me:
Hey Kevin, you may have just humiliated me by throwing paper at my head, but guess what? In three years, you’re going to prison! For a long time! You’re going to be deprived of the sweet touch of a woman and almost all of life’s pleasures. It’s going to suck real hard. Also, I realize now that you were clearly illiterate, and that English class must have been very difficult for you. Reading out loud must have been incredibly embarrassing, and it was actually quite clever of you to stage a diversion by throwing stuff at my head when you were called upon to read. Kudos to you on that creative problem solving. I hope that Coalinga has some sort of adult learning program you’re able to enroll in.
To Ashley, who asked me in front of a group of people if I thought I looked cute in my short shorts, and then informed me that I did not:
Hey Ashley, of course I thought these short shorts looked good. That’s why I wore them on the day of our eighth grade graduation picnic! And even though I’m going to leave school crying in a few minutes and almost miss the picnic, I’ve got some stuff to say to you. Please have fun at the picnic, because your life is going to be truly awful! You’re going to have three babies with three different men, and none of the men are going to stay with you. This may seem like I’m just burning you still, but I’m very concerned and sympathetic! Your facebook posts sound like a current day Miss Havisham and are super depressing. You are literally going to name the third baby after his father even though he’s already left in an attempt to get him to come back. I really, really wish I were making that fact up, but I’m not. So anyway, I’m really sorry that this is your life and that you have probably undergone pain and suffering I can’t even begin to understand, but also, P.S., it turns out my legs are one of my best physical attributes so those shorts probably did look pretty good!
To Larry, who watched one of his new friends trip me in the hallway and joined in to laugh at me with ten other guys as I was struggling to get up even though our families are extremely close and I would go to his house for Thanksgiving:
Hey Larry, fuck you! You’re a piece a shit and I still hate you ten years later! Also, you got really hot?? Wtf? And now your job is selling expensive art in the Mission District of San Francisco? That sounds really awesome and rewarding. Why are you such a piece of shit? You’re living the perfect life. You’ve seen me like a thousand times since graduation, and you’re still incredibly rude to me and never apologized for being a bullying jerk to me. I guess I will just try to accept the fact that not all people are going to get along, and that it’s probably better for me if I stop nursing a decade-long old grudge. Also, I’m going to assume your penis is smaller than a child’s toothpick.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!