Temporary Assignment Details
By
March 13, 2015

Hello Temporary Employee!

We’re so excited someone like you could join our high-energy, fast-paced business environment in this crucial, vital role! We’ve been assured by our own subsidiary Momentary Relief Staffing LLC that you’ll bring just the right amount of participation to the position.

In short, your projects while you’re here will include:

-At least 10 daily outbound calls to clients in order to provide service.

-At least 20 inbound calls from prospective clients looking to be served.

-At least 8 inter-office calls relaying the corporate mission statement: “We provide services to clients.”

-At least 100 blank documents to be saved on our CFO’s desktop. He does not understand how to open things not directly from the desktop.

-A list of all the numbers, in order.

-Using the correct email format. Several employees are still using their former emails, which follow a firstname-lastname@company.com format. We need everyone to utilize their new firstname.lastname@company.com email addresses because email is crucial for the company to provide services to clients.

-Counting the number of files on the company hard drive. Record that number. Put the number in a new file on the hard drive. Provide new file count.

-Issuing corporate shame words to under-performing employees. Word’s include “non-team player,” “underwhelming,” and “dirty carnival idiot.”

-Thinking outside the box when asked.

-Doing social media. Just do it for us already. What are you waiting for?

-Providing hard specific data through ball park estimates.

-Explaining to Brenton M. in Product Development what he does.

-Organizing the stuff for the thing (Time sensitive).

-Making a chart of the all the items.

-Monitoring casual Friday. Those not casual enough or too casual will be ostracized through corporate shame words (see above).

-Copying and or pasting.

-Making spreadsheets faster than anyone thought possible.

-A list of several good ideas. Be specific.

Once these tasks are taken care of, you’ll receive more details from your manager, Brenton M.

**QUICK REMINDER: You are not allowed to park on the premises under any circumstances. If you park anywhere on company property you will be hurt by Jeff, VP of Hurting.

Cordially,
Linda Gilberry-Furniture,
Human Resources Assistant Manager of Operational Synergy and System Concepts

“We provide services to clients.”

 

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