FROM: CIA Secret Assassination Committee
SUBJECT: Santiago Must Be “Handled” If You Know What We Mean =)
1. Colonel Montoya Rudolpho Davey-Boy Santiago, A.K.A. “Colonel Big Dog Face,” is to be terminated. Authorization comes directly from CENTCOM JOINTCOM ROMCOM COMICCON.
2. You are to proceed to his fortified bunker disguised as “Chet Jenkins, Colonel Santiago’s Biggest Fan.” You will be outfitted with a t-shirt that reads, “Chet Jenkins, Colonel Santiago’s Biggest Fan.” Please try not to spill food on the t-shirt–we would like it back to wear ironically.
3. If asked for ID, or to perform the secret song, your orders are to immediately change the subject. Suggested topics:
A. Hey, you’ve got pretty eyes. How did one person get the pretty eyes equivalent of five to ten people?
B. Sports, huh? Right?
C. That’s an awesome looking gun. I sure would love to hold it.
4. Once inside, proceed directly to Santiago’s office. Sign up for an appointment to meet with Santiago. Your wait will depend on how much work Santiago is getting done. You are authorized to shout encouragements like, “Just sign a few more kill orders, then reward yourself with a snack!”
5. When ushered into Santiago’s office, you are to sit directly across from him, remove your service revolver, and yell, “I hope you wanted bullets for dinner, fatso!” Pretty funny, right? We wrote that ourselves.
6. Do NOT engage him in conversation. He will ATTEMPT to say, “We are not so different, you and I.” YOU ARE VERY DIFFERENT. He is a MURDEROUS DRUG LORD. You are A VERY COOL GUY. You like COOL JEANS, and enjoy “BAD” MOVIES. Santiago finds NO VALUE in KITSCH OR CAMP.
7. Santiago will offer you a homemade marshmallow square. Do NOT EAT THE HOMEMADE MARSHMALLOW SQUARE. Santiago is a TERRIBLE COOK. For some reasons his cooking ALWAYS GIVES OUR AGENTS UPSET STOMACHS. THEN THEY DIE.
8. Santiago will offer you a job as his top lieutenant, and the hand of his beautiful daughter Josephina. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THIS. IT COULD BE A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU. It would mean a pay bump and more stability in your life. Satellite intelligence also confirms that Josephina is really fun to hang out with. She plays bass in a band and loves to just chill out at home watching TV.
9. Should you accept Colonel Santiago’s offer, PLEASE CONSIDER HIRING US. This is a pretty kickass briefing we wrote up, right? C’mon! And honestly, this is us just phoning it in. Imagine what we could do if we were paid what we were worth. We’d add photos and charts, and we could even make the briefing self-destruct to save you time in throwing it away. Think about it?
10. Should you reject Colonel Santiago’s offer and shoot Santiago, congratulations–you are a true patriot and a national hero. Also, you should find a way out of there somehow. You just shot Santiago! That’s probably not gonna go over well with his troops! Run! Run! Put in a good word for us before you get shot!