Illustration by Paige WeldonTexting is hard. We’re here to help. In celebration of the upcoming holiday, Text Guide creator Paige Weldon and her guest text experts Monika Scott and Emily Faye have compiled a list of texts guaranteed to make you seem totally disinterested in any potential Valentine’s Day date. This disinterest will make you irresistible, or your money back!

We on for Friday


I could like go get coffee with you if you wanted, but like I have other stuff that I could also do. So many friends and events

Do you want coffee? I’m super chill btw

I’ll be at this coffee shop between [dates] if you want to stop by

Hey…oh actually brb I’m super busy with my social life

Oh I didn’t see you there

Nice to meet you, [close but incorrect name] was it?
[even less correct name]?

Who is this

Do you still live in [city]?

Hey are we still on for tonight????????❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤??????????????????

Did we have plans? I forget

Are you alive? I forget

Hey babe oh sorry that was for someone else

Looking forward to seeing you oh no that was a group text to 20 other people but not for you

Are you gay? I forget

How’s your boyfriend? I always liked him. Jeff?

OMG are we hanging out I’m just getting a massage right now bc my body is sore from how tight I keep it. Anyway lmk

Lmk if you’re ready for this, np if not



Did u want 2 hang? Coffee? Lol that’s cute

U want 2 hang jk

I hate you jk coffee?

Coffee jk I hate you or do I

WHERE ARE YOU??????❤❤❤❤❤❤???????

I’m busy but coffee? Lol

Lol ur face

Lol @ hanging out but realz u up?

What do you want from me

[man emoji] + [woman emoji] + [coffee emoji] = [baby emoji]
So, coffee?

That’s all for now! Good luck out there, and be sure to check back next month when we’ll discuss grammatical efforts in text and what they say about you!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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