I have never texted anyone while I was drunk. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

“sup,” = “I’m a little buzzed and you are the last person I texted.”

“im os drmk” = “I’m very drunk. Is this fun?”

“i miss youuuuu” = “Please delete thisssss.”

“johns thing? i am……..” = “COME TO JOHN’S.”

“hi” = “hey…….”

“sry aboute verything” = “lol sorry not sorry”

“OMG” = “Stacy is on the roof.”

“[any emoji]” = “I love you and always have.”

where u = “UGH SHOW UP.”

pcik me up? my uber isnt workinh = “I drink responsibly.”

Drink responsibly! You are a mature adult and you have never said anything you regret. Check back next month when we’ll discuss other weird texts you haven’t sent.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!