Texting is hard. I’m here to help. This month’s guide will help you get in touch with your emoji-tions, allowing you the freedom to never actually say anything.

What you want to say: I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m very happy, I’m sweating, any of the basics.
Your options: Luckily, there is an emoji for every one of these. Simply look in the mirror and select the face that looks like yours. If there is a cat face that matches your reflection, even better. 

What you want to say: I want to talk to you, but I don’t know how to start.
Your options: You can use literally any emoji for this, or the above sentence. Just kidding, emoji only. Do not use your words.

What you want to say: On my way.
Your options: Any vehicle emoji is appropriate here, except for the ambulance, police car, or fire truck, which will cause concern and confusion. If you are walking, I suggest the walking guy emoji, or getting yourself a car, ya dummy.

What you want to say: I love you.
Your options: Hearts, kissy faces and kissy faces with hearts all work for this, but so does the caterpillar. There’s just, something about him.

What you want to say: I hate you.
Your options: Try sending an upsetting emoji for this one to really drive your point home. For example, the tongue, dancing twins, Santa Claus, or syringe full of blood all show just how much you don’t care.

What you want to say: I love dogs.
Your options: Your options are three–cartoon dog, realistic dog number one, or realistic dog number two. Honestly though, realistic dog number one kind of just says, “I like dogs.”

What you want to say: I am Batman.
Your options: Red phone + winky face.

That’s all for now! Check back in February when we’ll explore those icky romantic feelings I keep–I mean, you guys–keep having. You guys are gross.

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!