Text Translation Guide: Grammatical Efforts in Text
March 28, 2014

Illustration by Paige WeldonTexting is hard. I’m here to help. This month, let’s consider text grammar for once in our goddamn lives.


No punctuation = “Pleasereadthisallruntogether.”

Only commas = “Here is a grocery list of my thoughts.”

Semicolon = “I’m real smart,” or, “I’m winking at you.”

Period at the end of a sentence = “I hate you,” and/or, “I pressed ‘space’ after finishing this sentence,” but mostly, “I hate you.”

Question mark at the end of a question = “I am a loser and I actually care about the answer to this question.”

No question mark at the end of a question = “w/e idc,” and, “I am worthy of love.”


Capitalizing beyond autocorrect = “This is an Extremely Important Word,” or, “This is a proper noun not to be mistaken for its regular noun counterpart, e.g. Nick, Mark, or Earthquake.”

All caps = Maybe “this is an acronym,” but probably, “not.”


You = “I do not respect you,” or, “I respect you too much.”
U = “I like u,” and, “winky face.”

To = “I need to use this conjunction and I want no funny business.”
2 = “I’m being silly,” or, “I’m not sure whether 2 use ‘to’ or ‘too’ here.”

For = “Seriously, I really don’t have time for funny business right now.”
4 = “AM I FUN????”

You ARE fun! That’s all for now! Check back next month when we’ll discuss text initiations and what they mean for your text exchange/life as you know it!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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