Illustration by Paige WeldonTexting is hard. I’m here to help. This month, let’s consider text grammar for once in our goddamn lives.


No punctuation = “Pleasereadthisallruntogether.”

Only commas = “Here is a grocery list of my thoughts.”

Semicolon = “I’m real smart,” or, “I’m winking at you.”

Period at the end of a sentence = “I hate you,” and/or, “I pressed ‘space’ after finishing this sentence,” but mostly, “I hate you.”

Question mark at the end of a question = “I am a loser and I actually care about the answer to this question.”

No question mark at the end of a question = “w/e idc,” and, “I am worthy of love.”


Capitalizing beyond autocorrect = “This is an Extremely Important Word,” or, “This is a proper noun not to be mistaken for its regular noun counterpart, e.g. Nick, Mark, or Earthquake.”

All caps = Maybe “this is an acronym,” but probably, “not.”


You = “I do not respect you,” or, “I respect you too much.”
U = “I like u,” and, “winky face.”

To = “I need to use this conjunction and I want no funny business.”
2 = “I’m being silly,” or, “I’m not sure whether 2 use ‘to’ or ‘too’ here.”

For = “Seriously, I really don’t have time for funny business right now.”
4 = “AM I FUN????”

You ARE fun! That’s all for now! Check back next month when we’ll discuss text initiations and what they mean for your text exchange/life as you know it!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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