Texting is hard. I’m here to help. With Halloween around the corner, I’m taking this month to explore the spookier side of SMS with a special guide featuring practical advice for dealing with those pesky Texts From Hell:
“BOO!” – Ah, a classic. This can mean anything from “You suck!” to “I’m flirting with you during the month of October.” Either way, your best move is to reply with a winky face.
“Sure.” – Chilling. The sender of this text surely means to say, “I hate you.” My advice: ignore it for now, but consider haunting this texter after you die.
Anything ending in “…” – This is tricky. Possible meanings include but are not limited to “I don’t understand what an ellipsis is,” “I’m about to send a second text continuing this thought,” and “You have hurt me deeply and I will destroy you.” I guess ask which one they mean? Yikes.
[Ghost emoji] – Don’t be fooled! Ghost emojis ARE NOT REAL GHOSTS, so don’t throw your phone across the room. Instead, reply with one of those emojis that’s like, a face, but it’s also a cat face, you know, instead of just a regular emoticon face.
“Did you download the new iOS yet? It’s awesome!!” – There is no foolproof response to this. Your only option is to get into a terrible accident so you’ll have an excuse for not responding.
“Are you coming to Laura’s birthday party?” – THIS IS A TRAP. DO NOT GO TO LAURA’S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
“Call me.” – Widely regarded as the scariest text, “call me” can mean literally anything. Proceed with extreme caution.
“Who is this?” – Wow! You must be a pretty huge loser if you’re receiving this text. You need to immediately trade your phone in for a copy of Steve Harvey’s Act Like A Lady: Think Like A Man and use it to get your life together.
That’s all for now! Have a happy Halloween and be sure to come back next month when we’ll discuss everybody’s favorite kind of laughter: the out loud kind.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!