Text Translation Guide: Texts From Hell
By
October 31, 2014

Paigetext_textsfromhellTexting can be spooky, scary, terrifying stuff. But never fear, my fellow texters, iMessagers and SMSers, for this Halloween I’ve compiled the six most haunting text encounters, and translated them into terms we can all understand.

The Chilling “K.”

Eek! Did you feel that icy chill? This spooky single letter text roughly translates to “sure” with undertones of “I hate you.” My advice: spiral into a depression for at least three days. What could be more festive?

The Spooky “I love you.”

EGADS! This texter means business. But don’t be scared, for this is just a text, thereby rendering the word “love” meaningless. If someone says, “I love you,” to your face, go with a classic escape tactic and run, run, run away from your feelings!

The Dreaded “Do you want to go to a party on the west side?”

This text pal means you serious harm. Do not reply.

The Eerie Other-Person-Is-Typing Ellipsis

Augh! Three dots have never been so haunting. This encounter has a few possible meanings, listed below in descending order of scariness.

1. This person is about to send you one of the above texts.
2. This person forgot they were typing and navigated away from your text convo.
3. Your phone is haunted.

In any case, just wait a few moments to find out which it is, and know that you’re in my prayers.

The Grotesque Green Non-iMessage

JESUS! RUN! This is not a safe text space to inhabit. Look in the reverse-view camera and repeat, “I love my iPhone,” three times to be restored to safety.

The Ghostly No-Reply

I’ll be honest here. This encounter directly translates as, “You are a loser.” Happy Halloween, buddy. It’s not gonna be okay.

That’s all, folks! Stay safe out there this Hallow’s Eve and be sure to check back next month when we’ll discuss something entirely different, but equally important.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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