Texting is hard. I’m here to help. Or am I? I am. This month, let’s get into it with question marks:
One question mark (?) = “I’m a no-frills/no-funny-business/no-extra-question-marks kind of guy and I’ve got a question what needs answerin’.”
Two question marks (??) = “I’ve got a question, but it’s a FUN question, so buckle the fuck up.”
Three question marks (???) = “Whaaaaat, are you serious, that’s crazy, do you mean it, come on, whoa,” and sometimes, “holy moly.”
Four question marks (????) = Always “holy moly.”
Five to ten question marks (????? – ??????????) = “We have entered the Bermuda Triangle of Questions. I suggest you arm yourself with distracting compliments and other defenses such as never texting back.”
Eleven question marks (???????????) = Now I have questions. What did you do to make your text buddy so alarmed? Please check yourself before you wreck yourself and your friendships and your whole life.
Zero question marks, but still a question (e.g. wut) = Approximately, “r u 4 real.”
One or more question marks accompanying a non-question (e.g. that’s cool?) = “Leave me alone forever.”
Upside-down question mark (¿) = “I just learned this keyboard shortcut,” or, “Hablamos Español,” and further, “Soy un hombre serio y tengo una pregunta que necesita respuesta.”
¡Eso es todo, amigos! Hasta el próximo año cuando vamos a hablar emojis.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!