Summer is a terrible hell from which we will never escape, but texting is a great way to beat the heat! Here are some typical summertime texts and their true meanings.
“It’s a scorcher!” = “I’m your dad.”
“It’s so hot” = “Life is a nightmare from which we cannot wake up.”
“Wanna go to the beach?” = “I am brave. I fear not the coming tide, nor its sharks.”
“Do you know anyone with a pool?” = “I got a good bathing suit this year. LOOK AT IT. LOVE ME.”
[sun emoji] = “You are my summer crush.”
[surfing guy emoji] = “You are my summer crush and we live on the coast.”
“Happy solstice!” = “I never really know what to say to you. Sorry we’re not closer.”
“Omg I got sunburned so bad” = “I am a careless fool. Delete my number for your own safety.”
“BBQ at my place Friday” = This is a trap. Do not respond until they confirm that there will be corn on the cob.
“I’m melting” = This is a text from an ice cream.
That’s all, folks! Hope I’ve made this disgusting purgatory of a season a little more bearable for you. Stay inside, and be sure to check back next month when we’ll discuss something entirely different, but equally important.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!