Thank You For Auditioning. Unfortunately, You Do Not Fit Our Director’s Fevered Vision
By
June 23, 2017

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Hello again!

I just wanted to say thank you so much for coming out and auditioning for the part of Michael in our new web series Off-Kilter. It was a pleasure to meet you and we thoroughly enjoyed your performance as a young white millennial struggling to date in LA. Unfortunately, while we think you would be a great fit for the project, last night our director had an intense fevered vision that left him shaking uncontrollably and muttering the phrase “the colony of Ur” over and over until the sun came up, and because of that, we have decided to take the project in a different direction.

While the original plan was to explore the dating life of 20-something Michael, the Michael of our director’s vision had sixteen legs, was 200 feet tall, and spoke only in riddles. You, on the other hand, have two legs and minimal experience with astral projection. Additionally, the part of Michael will now require the mastery of several ancient tongues, including but not limited to Hittite and Aramaic. The party sequence has been replaced with a series of chants in praise of Michael, now understood to be an alien spirit who has blessed us with passage into a new life, and there will be a flood. We don’t know when, but there will definitely be a flood. 

In addition to this, there have also been several changes to the plot that we feel make you unsuitable for the part, namely Michael’s desire to woo Amy, the quirky vegan ice cream shop employee, has been replaced with a more general desire to tap into the eternal source-love energy of the universe, the power of which would shield every soul that is worthy of transitioning to the next plane of existence from calamity. Nothing in your performance suggested your soul was ready to transition to the next plane of existence, nor that you were in any way enlightened by the power of the Higher Ones. Also, we can no longer afford the vegan ice cream shop. We hope you understand.

Thanks to our director’s incredible visions, the filming process will be considerably longer than initially planned as well. Although the original plan had us wrapping the first six episodes by the end of August, our director has begun a massive purge of all worldly possessions and extended the crew’s contracts until the arrival of Halley’s Comet in 2061 at least. We are also learning that we are not simply a film crew, but the crew if a trans-dimensional alien vessel piloted by Michael, whose skin glows gold by the light of the Higher Ones. Because you mentioned that you have a conflict in September, we assume you would not be able to commit for the needed duration of the project. 

As you know, it is always difficult to make these decisions, but when your director begins receiving psychic transmissions from the center of the Sun explaining that the human body is a mere vessel for a soul preparing to ascend to a higher plane, there’s only so much you can do. Jordan is a very talented director, and so far all of his prophecies have come true.

We would love to work with you in the future, should time be a factor in the alternate dimension humans refer to as “Heaven”. Please come visit us at our compound in New Mexico, where we are learning subsistence farming techniques and stocking up for the end times (which, by the way, are coming A LOT sooner than you’d think!). We thank you again for taking the time to audition as we continue our search for the true Michael. Also, our director wanted to remind you that “all souls who refuse the blessing of the Higher Ones will be cleansed in blood.”

Best,
Annie
AD “Off-Kilter” 

(P.S. We are selling our filming equipment, as we must rid ourselves of all traces of our former identities. The cameras are gone, but most of the sound stuff is still here. Let us know if you could use a microphone or two!)

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

 


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