This date has been magical. I should slap myself to wake up from such a dream! My apologies for being so mushy so soon, I just truly feel like what you and I have is special. And I’d be lying if I didn’t say you are the most intelligent, kind, sweet, ambitious, and caring person I’ve ever met. So, thank you for this fantastic evening, and double thank you for not pointing out that I’m on fire.
The fact that I’m aflame is the number one thing people bring up when they first meet me, or God forbid some wannabe hero happens to glimpse me from afar. They usually start tearing their hair out in clumps and screaming things like, “JESUS CHRIST! YOU’RE ON FIRE! SOMEONE HELP HIM!” That is traditionally followed by the same aspiring white knight phoning the local fire department, beating me uselessly with a blazer, and being dumped on by a bottle of Fiji water. It’s so embarrassing.
How stupid do they think I am? Of course I know I’m on fire, I’m not blind!
To be frank, I almost didn’t come tonight. While I rode over on my hog I couldn’t help but imagine that you’d see me and faint from shock or smoke inhalation like all the others. But then some youngsters shouted at me that I was a real life Ghost Rider, which gave me an enormous confidence boost – until I remembered Nic Cage is at his nadir as an actor, depressing me. At that point I was already in the parking lot, but I sure am glad I decided to stay.
Honestly, you refusing to acknowledge that I’m literally burning has been such a breath of fresh air. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re not explicitly eyeing the fire. It really bothers me when people stare so obviously – maws ajar, spittle dripping down their chins. Somehow I have the power to make grown adults revert to a state of adolescence and forget all forms of social etiquette. It’s bizarre. If I ever saw someone else on fire, you know what I’d do? Nothing at all!
You know what I like the most about you? The fact that you’re just so in the moment. You’re only focusing on the now. My parents, on the other hand, are always talking about the future: “You’re going to die eventually, Daniel!”, “Why sort of life is this, Daniel?”, or “Your flesh oozes off into small puddles wherever you go, Daniel!” At the end of the day, it’s my decision to be on fire, just like it was their decision to file for divorce. Same thing.
When you asked why all of my OK Cupid photos looked Photoshopped and I told you it was real, I thought that would be the last time we’d talk. But then you replied, “thatz hottt” and I knew I found someone special. If only my family saw me the way you do. When are they going to accept me for who I am? I’ve been on fire for the past seven years, but they’re still in denial. I must shame them. But how many parents can say they have a child who is burning alive? I’m going to guess zero!
Being on fire has to be the best life hack ever chanced upon. Who would’ve thought that lighting my cigarette while pumping gas could lead to this? The circus money I make is insane, my body no longer requires food, and I live outside now, so my expenses are next to zero. Compared to most other 28 year olds, I’m doing pretty damn well. But because I’m wrapped in a perpetual flame blanket somehow I’m a mess? It’s as if everything I’ve done with my life is moot because my body is 100% covered in 1,000 degree flames.
Either way, the world needs more people like you. People who don’t judge whether someone is or isn’t on fire. It’s not as if people are going around to each other and commenting on the fact that they’re not on fire. That would seem crazy, wouldn’t it? But that’s what I have to deal with every day. Give it a rest! I’m burning! Get over it! Not every fire needs to be put out. Try telling that to Eskimos.
Do I know how long this fire will last or how long I’m going to live? Of course not, but I don’t see any reason why I couldn’t reach 80 and then croak of natural causes (fire). Seems to me like dying this way would be one of the most organic ways to go, don’t you? ‘Blaze of glory’ was always meant to be taken literally, right?
Finally, to answer your question – yes, I am in incredible pain. Every waking moment is pure, unbridled agony. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Why? The pain reminds me of who I was, where I’ve come from, and who I am now – a real man on fire.
Denzel can eat it.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!