Hello, and thank you for your interest in stealing my identity. I’m really very flattered.
I thought we could have a quick chat before I hand over my username, account numbers, and passwords for Yelp, Instagram, Flickr, Netflix, AmEx, AOL, The New York Times crosswords, Hotmail, and Capital One Rewards. Why Capital One? Points for travel. It’s great. You redeem the points… What’s that? Good question. I’m not sure which one of us would get the points.
Anyway, if this interview goes well, we can discuss those details further. I can’t give my identity away to anyone with an Internet connection, the name of my childhood best friend, and the date I got married. Hence this talk.
To start, you should probably know a bit about me. I can’t whistle. My favorite yoga pose is tree. I hate raisins. I mean, truly hate them. Even contemplating their wrinkly, deep purple selves gets me down. They do more than ruin cinnamon buns, you know.
You most certainly do need this information. What if someone asks?
By the way, are you naturally that dark a brunette? No? Me neither.
Before I pass on my login info for Amazon, Zappos, drugstore.com, iTunes, eBay, PayPal, and Pinterest, I wanted… I sure do still use it. I’m a white woman in her mid-thirties. Pinterest is me.
I realize that I’ve been doing most of the talking. There’s just so much about me you should know before stealing my identity—first date, first kiss, favorite book, how I got this scar on my knee.
Okay, fine, we can move on. But I don’t love your hurry-up-and-give-me-the-data attitude. You’re not the only one applying for this gig, you know. Do you have any questions?
Why, thank you. Kind of you to say. I use Vaseline at night. It was my grandmother’s trick, and she had lovely skin. My teeth? No, I stopped smoking years ago. Braces when I was thirteen. No, I don’t know why I have gaps now. I’m not sure that’s relevant. I’m not even smiling in my driver’s license photo.
Let’s see, I use Google+, Facebook, Vine, Blogger, WordPress, Tumblr, Twitter, LinkedIn, Renren… You haven’t? It’s popular in China. I’m hedging my bets.
Come to think of it, I actually lost my Myspace password awhile back. Can you recover it for me as long as I give you the name of my favorite restaurant and color of my first car?
Please, ask away… Hmmm, what about my trash?
Listen, I bought that frosting because I thought I’d be making a cake, but then I didn’t and it seemed a shame to waste it. No, I didn’t realize that frosting has a shelf life of 256 years.
Licked clean? I wouldn’t say the container had been “licked clean.” Nevertheless, digging through the trash is admirably thorough. Kudos to you.
That US Weekly fell into my cart. Normally I do recycle. I must have forgotten.
Yes, my husband does have a PhD in literature. No, I guess that doesn’t explain why the magazine was buried beneath a week’s worth of coffee grounds. Or, uh, maybe it does?
He’s a tall blond with blue eyes. I’m sorry… you do what now? With your tongue? And your ring finger? How…? Well, I don’t know if we need to go that far.
A few more minutes, if you could, please. I’d like to learn a little more about you.
What do you think about baby animals? Wait, scratch that, what kind of identity-stealing monster doesn’t like baby animals? If that’s you, we can end this right now, and you can keep the heated footbath and bread maker you already bought at Bed, Bath & Beyond as a test run with my Visa.
How comfortable are you with PowerPoint? What about Excel? I have a presentation due next week at work that should include some graphs. What’s your schedule like? Would you have time for a quick brainstorming session now?
Fine, I’m sorry. But I don’t want you to wait until the last minute. That presentation will impact my/our bonus. I should also mention that my boss has a thing about paper clips.
Oh. I understand. Time is people to you, I suppose.
Thank you again. I appreciate your interest in wanting to be me for a while. I’ll be in touch. If you have any further questions, or thoughts about that presentation, you have my address, cell phone number, DOB, and the last four digits of my social.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!