Illustration by Paige Weldon

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Smells like people-food
Hello I’m down on the floor
I know you see me

Yes yes, let’s all hug
Good to see you too, Aunt June
Feed me croutons now

When will the kids come?
I like their innocent joy
And stealing their food

The whole family’s here
All together now at last
I am starving here

Getting tired here
Starving to death on the floor
Need that whole turkey

Ha, very funny
“People-food is not for dogs”
We’ve had a good laugh

Now it’s not funny.
Starting to grow thin and frail
Been an hour since food

Is that you, Aunt June?
Vision blurry, spirit weak
Not long for this world

Goodbye, dumb people
Guess you should have shared your food
Hope you like dead dogs

What? There’s extra scraps?
Maybe I can stay alive
A little longer

Pretty filling scraps.
I’ll give you that. Now to sleep
Until next year’s food

If you wake me up
I promise you this, Aunt June
I’ll be out for blood


The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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