Yes. The rumors are true; I will be hosting Thanksgiving dinner at my abode this fiscal year. The gratitude and food will be bountiful, the invite list? Exclusive. There will be one devastation and that is my friend Emma’s boyfriend Geoff. Geoff is a vegan, and I’m in hell.

“Don’t go through too much trouble trying to accommodate Geoff, he’s easy going, he’ll pick at things.” A direct quote from Emma. Geoff, easy going? The only thing easy going on that night will be a cheese knife gliding through an entire wheel of warm brie…something Geoff would know nothing about.

“He is a strict vegan but he’s not insane about it…he still eats fish.” Once again, a verbatim quote from Emma to which I say, the last time I checked, the pilgrims never feasted on a succulent trout but thanks for the fascinating fact about Geoff.

I am not a monster. I do not wish suffering upon people (Geoff). With that being said I did not want to revise my iron clad menu too extensively. So what I have for you here is a flawless Thanksgiving menu complete with the necessary changes to accommodate the vegan at your table. Without further ado.   

Thanksgiving Twenty Sixteen


Drinks and Snacks

Pumpkin Pie Tini’s:
An innovative, dare I say ingenious take on a cocktail. Enjoy a smooth blend of pumpkin pie and premium, chilled vodka. Whipped cream rim available upon request (Geoff, this does not apply to you, if you would like décor on your rim I can offer you a couple of cubes of tofu).

Cheese and Crackers:
A luxurious wheel of brie cheese with a side of fresh strawberry jam and an assortment of Trader Joe’s finest crackers. (Geoff, since you are fine to “pick,” perhaps you can choose which song to listen to on my Spotify while we enjoy this phenomenal dish).


Mashed Potatoes:
Creamy and buttery, these potatoes have been whipped to perfection (Geoff, I have made you an alternate batch of mashed potatoes in the form of one granny smith apple, see me in the kitchen if you would like it).

Corn On The Cob:
Gorgeous ears of corn slathered in a very rare truffle butter (Geoff, I will leave one uncooked ear on my dresser, it’s yours if you’d like but you will have to shuck it yourself).

Cranberry Sauce:
A sweet escape from so many savory bites. This cranberry sauce will have you reeling (Geoff, I believe you can actually eat this one as is but please don’t make eye contact with me whilst doing it, thanks).

The Piece De Resistance

The Turkey:
A respectable twelve pound turkey, juicy to the touch of the (non vegan) tongue. This bird has been cooking in its own juices for forty eight hours and the taste should reflect not a minute less. Take a leg, take a breast, take both (Geoff, do not take any of this obviously. Although I did not have the wherewithal to cook a Tofurkey, I have taken the liberty of pulling up an image of one online that you are welcome to look at on my computer while the rest of us feast. Side note: Do not ask me for my computer password publicly, I will write it on a napkin if it comes to that).


Pumpkin Pie With Hand Whipped Cream And Or Vanilla Ice Cream:
This one pretty much sells itself (Geoff, I have nothing left to offer you as you’ve taken everything from me, I am thankful you came to Thanksgiving dinner so I could test my own strength, just as I thought I am stronger than most. While I think you are decent as a human being I do hope you and Emma break up before next Thanksgiving as I do not have it in me to do this again, bon appetit). 



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!