1. Never turn down an opportunity, even if it isn’t exactly what you want to do. Show initiative in everything you do and do it to the best of your ability. You never know who’s watching, kids.

2. Chase your dreams! I mean, you may not have your dream job and you’ll probably get stuck in some random nine-to-five, but a good way to pass the time after work–and by extension, until you die–is to start or join a band. Believe it or not, that’s actually how Pearl Jam started!

3. Learn bass guitar. Sure, you’ll be a more expendable member of whatever band you join, but there are way less bass than guitar players, so you’ll increase your odds of ending up in a sick ass band, like my band, Pearl Jam. That’s right, my band.

4. Being globally conscious and well read will not only serve you personally, but professionally as well.

5. Travel and see the world while you can. Jobs can wait. Utilizing your parents’ financial support cannot! *fake laughter* Am I right, parents? I’m just kidding, guys. That one was for the parents here at this totally real graduation ceremony. But seriously, international touring doesn’t count as seeing the world. Most of the time you’re just going to venues.

6. Anyway, if your band gets big enough, make sure not to burn bridges with your current employer by, let’s say, trashing your cubicle or showing your boss the undersides of your testes on your last day. Given the current music market, you may need that job in 6-9 months. Six to nine. *laughter* But seriously, it’s rare to make it in music for more than a year, much less the past three decades, like Pearl Jam.

7. Wrap it up while you’re touring. Also, make sure to tour in Tulsa. Those chicks go wild for Pearl Jam. Just gotta trust me on that one. Hey, I just had an idea, off-script, wouldn’t it be fuckin’ rad if we called our groupies the Pearl Jammers? Thoughts? I gotta write that down.

8. Speaking of music, my new side-project, Oyster Sauce, will be selling our demo out front after the ceremony. Only five bucks! That’s like 1/50,000th of what you paid for your dumb piece of diploma paper, and that doesn’t even play sick ass garage grunge tunes. I’m bass and lead vocals in Oyster Sauce. I think we’re exactly the type of act America has been clamoring for since 1994. We’re kind of like if Alice in Chains and The Strokes–Is This It era, of course–had a baby who could fuckin’ shred.

9. If you’re planning on making it as an artist you should either know Eddie Vedder or Wikipedia how to qualify for unemployment benefits.

10. Pearl Jam will be playing the Honda Center in November, but if you can’t wait until then for more Jeffy A, Oyster Sauce will be playing a club tour this summer. Consider this a graduation gift: Use the passcode SAUCYOYSTER for 50% off tickets. Thanks guys! Best of luck in the future and remember that if my net worth exceeds twenty million dollars, yours can too!!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!